Potatoes are quite possibly the most versatile food on the planet. Google has 634 MILLION results for potato recipes with endless variations of mashed, roasted, baked, boiled, BBQ’d, and fried. There are countless ways you can serve them up.
Just please, sweet mother love, don’t serve them up your butt.
Because potatoes? Potatoes don’t belong in poopers. That’s a sentence I never thought I would have to write, and yet, here we are.
Doctors have apparently had to issue a public warning against stuffing spuds up your shitter and this gives a WHOLE new meaning to stuffed potatoes.
It would seem that the unconventional practice has gone viral and hemorrhoid sufferers are turning to the tots as an alternate treatment to ease their suffering.
Spuds are not suppositories.
Also known as piles, hemorrhoids are swollen veins in the lower part of the anus and rectum and they can be extremely painful.
Believe me, I know, childbirth was not kind to me. Blessed be the fruit.
In addition to being caused by pregnancy and childbirth, hemorrhoids can also come on as a result of sitting for long periods of time, constipation, a low fiber diet, and obesity.
People suffering from hemorrhoids are often too embarrassed to seek medical attention.
And rather than consult with a physician, sufferers are turning to Dr. Google and alternative home remedies for relief.
And right now? The lowly potato is having its moment.
The advice is based on the astringent property of the potato, which proponents claim can help constrict bodily tissue and aid in healing.
They recommend freezing the potatoes first and then slicing them like French fries to make insertion easier.
Sadly, I will never look at a French Fry the same way again.
One website, quoted in Wales Online, gave the following instructions:
“Insert the frozen potato slice in your anus and leave it inside for 30 seconds, Repeat the process for three to five days. The next three to five days leave the slice inside for 30 seconds more each time. The potatoes have astringent properties and help relieve the pain and itchy sensation which usually happens with this condition, while the ice cold potato constricts the blood vessels, reduces the swelling and relieves your pain instantly.”
Even an article in Reader’s Digest suggests using “a compress made from potato,” stating that “when grated, the tuber acts as a soothing astringent.”
There is, however, absolutely NO MEDICAL EVIDENCE to support either claim. Dr. Diana Gall of leading online medical service Doctor-4-U, tells Wales Online,
“There is no medical evidence that putting frozen potatoes inside the anus can help cure piles, so I would urge caution to anyone thinking of doing it.”
And I kind of feel like she’s not being quite forceful enough when she “urges caution.”
DON’T PUT TATORS IN YOUR TUSH!
While potatoes may not be the answer to your brown-eyed winker woes, there are a number of home remedies that are recommended. According to the Mayo Clinic, these include:
- Eat high-fiber foods like fruits, vegetables and whole grains. So go ahead and EAT the potato.
- Use topical treatments like an over-the-counter hemorrhoid cream or suppository containing hydrocortisone, or use pads containing witch hazel or a numbing agent.
- Soak regularly in a warm bath or sitz bath for 10-15 minutes two to three times a day.
- Take oral pain relievers such as Tylenol, aspirin or ibuprofen.
Hemorrhoids will often clear up on their own within a week. If they don’t, consult a physician before stuffing potatoes up where the sun don’t shine.
Comedian RachRiot has a hilarious response of her own to the unsettling news. In a post on her Facebook page she writes:
the H in Preparation H does not stand for “Hash Browns” Ore-Ida?
The H stands for hemorrhoid. Hem-uh-roid.
For those poor unfortunate souls who still don’t get the message, she goes on to say it in a smattering of similes, each one better than the last one.
Don’t go to fifth base with a fingerling. It’s just not safe. Don’t put a crinkle-cut up the butt.
It’s not safe people. Crinkle-cut, shoestring, curly, steak, waffle, potato wedge, none of them belong in your anus. Fries and ketchup belong together. Potatoes and butter go together.
Butt, potatoes and hinnies do not.
Don’t put a spud in your rosebud. Don’t shove a yam in your can. A tater is not a side dish for your starfish.
And I feel like now would be a good time to quote some Dr. Seuss. “Would you like them here or there? I would not like them anywhere.”
This isn’t the first time the medical community has had to intervene when it comes to people putting inappropriate things into their non-mouth orifices.
Doctors have also had to warn women not to use toothpaste to tighten their vaginas.
STOP IT. And if you aren’t doing it? Please, for the love, don’t try these at home.
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