My life is a complete contradiction these days.
I feel completely burnt out with work yet somehow also feel like I am not working enough.
I feel like I am seeing too much of my husband yet somehow also feel like I don’t see him nearly enough.
I feel so very proud of and in love with my children yet somehow am yearning for a break from the responsibilities of parenting.
I feel overwhelmed by all the messages and communication from my children’s’ schools yet somehow also feel like the schools and teachers are not communicating enough.
I feel thankful for the forced slow down of life caused by the pandemic yet somehow also feel like life is too slow these days.
I feel sad that some of my relationships have fizzled out during the pandemic yet somehow also feel a sense of relief and peace that now I seem to know how some people really feel about me.
I need a break from everything yet can’t take one for the foreseeable future.
I feel lucky and blessed about my situation yet also somehow feel jealous of people who get to take a break from it all.
I love so many people and situations in my life yet somehow don’t like them very much right now.
Everything is too much right now yet somehow nothing is enough.
I know what I need yet I can’t access those things right now.
I need a vacation. Actually, I need two vacations.
I need an adults only vacation away with my husband. I need time away to reconnect with him as a woman, an adult, and a life partner. I need time with my husband where I am not just the person with whom he co-parents, coordinates things like keeping the house clean, or makes sure all the bills get paid on time.
I need time away from all of the responsibilities that come with our day to day lives. I need time in the sun, time by a pool, time in the ocean, and time away from everyone and everything.
I need time to remember why I fell in love with my husband—because right now be barely like each other.
I also need a family vacation. We all need to escape our day to day. We need a break from the pets, from school, from the limited sports, from tv, from social media, from arguments over who is going to unload the dishwasher and who gets the first shower before school. We need to go back to our favorite spots and reconnect with how much fun we have on vacation.
I need these breaks yet the ability to take them in the way I need them simply does not exist right now.
I need life to get back to normal yet I also know that there is no going back. Even after covid, life will never be the same. Too much has changed.
I try to feel hopeful about my future after covid yet somehow all I feel is dread about what that future life might look like.
I want to feel like myself again yet somehow all I can feel is the true version of me slipping away.
I know that I am not alone in all of this yet somehow I feel so completely alone.
I need there to be more conversations about the impact this past year has had on all of us yet somehow I’m tired of talking about it.
Sometimes it’s ok to just say out loud, “This really f*cking sucks.”
Sometimes that’s all we can do.