Hallmark Movies Are Full of Lies, But These Hilarious Tweets Prove We Literally Can’t. Stop. Watching.

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There are two types of people in the world – those who love Hallmark Christmas movies and those who clearly don’t know what they’re missing.

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And this year, Hallmark has given us the greatest gift of them all – 41 gloriously cheesy original holiday flicks that are sure to melt even the grinchiest of hearts. 

Ahhhh, it really is the most wonderful time of the year.

Honestly, what’s not to love? I mean, sure, they all have the same plot – big-city career-driven woman (usually engaged) ends up in Smalltown, USA, falls in love with plaid-wearing *insert any of the following*:

  • Christmas tree farmer
  • Baker
  • Chef
  • Secret Prince
  • Single dad
  • Former flame
  • Innkeeper
  • Bookstore owner
  • Dog owner
  • writer

AND saves the family business from ruin.

And they all have the same actors we know and love from such ’90s & ’00s hits as Party of Five, Full House, and Desperate Housewives.

(Here’s looking at you Candace Cameron Bure, Lacey Chabert, Danica McKellar, Dean Cain and Jesse Metcalfe).

And they all take place in the same small town complete with a gazebo, town square, charming Christmas competition/festival, ice skating rink, and where it always snows on Christmas. 

Not to mention they all end the exact same way. Kiss…and scene.

But are we still going to watch every.single.one.of.them? Fa lalalala freaking yes.

Look, we know they’re completely unrealistic and predictable and sit on a throne of lies. That’s why we LOVE them.

It’s also why people love to parody them. Like comedian, Elizabeth Kemp, whose TikTok entitled “Hallmark Movies Lied To Me,” has over 3M views.

“I am over the age of 30. I have multiple graduate degrees, I’ve definitely prioritized my career.

I’m single, but I have been in Vermont for five days now, and not once has anyone approached me about saving an inn or planning a fall festival or even just asked me to reconsider my priorities.”

@kemptacular

I’m not angry. Just disappointed. #hallmark #hallmarkmovies #over30 #fall #fallfoliage #vermont #single #vacation #halloween #business #comedy

? original sound – user2312648374464

She followed it up with an entire series of trying to find love the Hallmark way, including such classics as visiting a Christmas tree farm, walking around corners with a cup full of coffee, & sitting in the gazebo. 

Spoiler alert: she fails miserably.

And who is surprised by this? Literally no one. It still doesn’t matter. Keep feeding us lies Hallmark!

Want to know what else is true according to Hallmark Christmas movies?

We’ve polled a few diehard fans to give you this handy dandy list:

  • You will fall in love with anyone you’re forced to work with.
  • If your boyfriend/fiance is a jerk, leave the big city and you will fall in love with a country boy. He drives an old truck.
  • Even if you’re in a relationship, if you go back to your small hometown, you’ll meet up with your ex. Who cares why you broke up. You’re in love now.
  • If you have lost your mojo go home and you’ll fall in love and all will be good again. Oh, and you’ll also rediscover the magic of Christmas while you’re at it.
  • Throwing away the career and abandoning the life that you have spent years establishing will lead to love and happiness.
  • If you try to travel home for the holidays you’ll get waylaid and find love.
  • Walk around a corner very quickly holding a coffee and you’ll bump into your one true love.
  • If you’re going to join an ice carving competition be sure to join with your high school sweetheart that is hotter than July.
  • If you’re in love you don’t have to wear heavy clothes in the bitter cold of winter. Love will keep you warm.
  • You always fall in love within a week.
  • Bakers always find love at Christmas time. 
  • Every small town has a festival and tree lighting. Also a ball, Christmas caroling, and a baking contest.
  • Land developers don’t care about profit around the holidays.
  • Someone with no experience can reopen a family bakery at Christmas and be successful. Or a lodge.
  • Cider is way more popular than coffee makers would have you believe. 
  • If you tell some random street-corner Santa your Christmas wish, be ready for some weird Christmas magic to screw with your life.
  • You will obviously lose your memory and when you do you will meet a handsome widower bookstore owner who you’ve dated before but he didn’t have your number.
  • You will get amnesia and wake up as a princess.
  • You’re wearing a scarf. And a red or white peacoat.
  • It always softly snows on Christmas Eve no matter where you are because you live in a snowglobe now.

What other Hallmark movie “truths” would you add to the list?

The reason Hallmark Christmas movies are so perfect is because they’re so ridiculously corny. For two glorious hours, we get to live in a world of happy endings. And who doesn’t need happily ever after in their life right about now?

So excuse me while I go grab my hot chocolate, cozy up on the couch, and get my holiday jingle on…the Hallmark way.

 

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