How to Feel Sexy When You’re Actually A Hot Mess


This post is sponsored by Right To Desire. The author was compensated through payment and product. However, all opinions are the sole opinions of the author. 

Oh, the ways motherhood changes us… It’s funny that parenthood begins with some sexy-sexy time but ultimately results in a declining lack of mojo.

There are a million reasons why moms may feel their desire wane.

Read our list below to see if it can get you running hot. If you continue to struggle, try talking to your doctor about HSDD (Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder. Sometimes our inability to get hot is not our fault or due to the stress around us. In fact, 1 in 10 women suffers from HSDD.

While keeping one or more tiny humans alive, you just don’t have the time or energy to groom yourself into the sexy beast you used to be.

I can’t tell you how many times I have caught sight of myself in the rearview mirror, as I carted kids around, and thought, “Who is this deranged, exhausted swamp creature?” Or had my partner initiate some intimacy and thought, “Seriously? I can’t take another human touching my breasts right now.” 

If you’ve lost the will or desire to connect sexually with your partner, there is hope. Read on for some tips and check out these FAQs about HSDD.

Remember, diapers are temporary….

“The days are long but the years are short.” It’s a cliche’ for a reason. Your life will not always be consumed with diapers or PTA meetings.

Some day, the kids will be out of the house and you and your partner will have delicious alone time. (Have you heard about the prolific sex lives of seniors these days?)

But while you are in the trenches of parenting little ones, don’t forget the desire that brought them into the world in the first place. You deserve to have a sex life… whenever the heck you can fit it in, even if that means during an episode of Sesame Street.

“Mommy and Daddy have to go work on some important boring grown-up paperwork in the bedroom. Here, watch Elmo!”

You care about your looks more than your partner does.

Women in our stage of life lament their stretch marks, undereye circles, weight gain, and more. But our partners still want us. It’s a fact. Stop worrying so much about how you look and focus on how you FEEL in the moment. Men just want an enthusiastic partner. They don’t need her to look like a porn star. 

Redefine touch…

Are you feeling completely “touched out?” Especially when you’re breastfeeding, it can feel like every touch of your body comes from someone who wants and/or needs something from you.

Go get “touched” by someone whose JOB it is to touch you, someone who asks for nothing but money in return. (No, I don’t mean a male prostitute! Get your head out of the gutter.) Get a massage, a manicure, a haircut. Visit your chiropractor or acupuncturist. Be touched because you WANT to be touched.

Tell, don’t ask. 

Partner telling you he has “needs?” Well, so do you! You NEED time to yourself so you can come back refreshed and ready to connect sexually. Be bold. If you are home all day with baby, tell your partner that you need him to give you a break when he returns from work in order not to go bat-shit crazy. And then you can re-enter, much more relaxed, and ready for intimacy.


Find out what turns you on by spending some much needed alone time with yourself. That’s right. Now that your body has birthed a human, it may respond differently to touch. In order to tell your partner what makes you hot, you may need to do some exploring on your own first.

It’s the little things that will make you feel sexy

Sometimes the little details can make all the difference in how “hot” you feel. Just putting on a matching bra and panty set instead of your nursing bra and granny panties can make all the difference. You don’t have to wear a whole face of makeup.

Some badass red lipstick alone might make you feel sexy.

Find the soundtrack

Think back to the songs that used to get you going. Listen to a few of them throughout the day. And then play that music (quietly, so you don’t wake the baby!) when you are ready to get down to business later that evening.

There are a million reasons why moms may feel their desire wane.  Read our list below to see if it can get you running hot. If you continue to struggle, try talking to your doctor about HSDD (Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder. #sex #marriage #filterfreeparents

Feel like a teenager again and be sneaky.

Remember how hot it was to sneak around behind your parents’ backs? To steal a kiss under the bleachers, pass love notes in code, and get it on in the back of a car? Well, now that you have kids, you can recreate that same feeling.

Actually, you have no choice but to recreate that feeling, since you need to find time to do the deed when your kids are not aware. So embrace that feeling of sneaking around to do something naughty!

Feeling sexy in the parenting trenches is totally doable. It just takes a bit of creativity. So start on your journey back to a healthy sex life today. Who knows? You might end up with a few more kids out of it!

Women can lose their sex drives for any one of a number of reasons. The most common sexual dysfunction in women is HSDD. This can only be diagnosed by a licensed physician, so make sure to talk openly and honestly with yours today. Get informed on HSDD so you can demand your desire back, because you deserve it.


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