Children’s books are supposed to teach our children lessons, right? They are supposed to show children the right way to do things, and what can happen if they don’t. In the past, this used to be done through cautionary tales that were scary as hell.
Have you ever read fairy tales in their original forms? Yikes! Now, these stories are softened, which is probably for the best. I’d rather my children read books like Wonder that teach compassion and kindness than ones that scare them into submission.
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But honestly, isn’t it tempting sometimes to take the easy route? What if we could have some children’s books that conveyed what we were really thinking during those desperate moments of parenting?
Here are 10 Children’s books we wish existed:
Eat it or Starve
No cutesy rhymes to entice kids to try new foods here. Eat it, don’t eat it, whatever. I have given up trying to get nutrition into you.
Mommy Swears, You Can’t, Fucking Deal With It
Tired of explaining about grown-up words and assuring your child that they will one day be allowed to use these awesome expletives? This book is for you. Life’s not fair, kiddo, suck it up.
The Toy Thief
Gather ‘round for a tale, children. Once upon a time, there lived a troll who wandered around the neighborhood, peeking into children’s windows, looking for toys left on the floor to steal. Make this game interactive by throwing out any toys your kids leave out that night.
Who Needs Teeth?
Never mind those books that make brushing your teeth seem like a fun activity, it’s not, and kids know it. No one likes brushing their teeth, it’s just a necessary evil. Try the scary reverse psychology route instead, with this beautifully illustrated book about a child whose teeth all rotted and fell out. Who needs teeth anyway? Not like you need to chew or anything.
The Bear Who Hit His Brother and Got Eaten
No need to sugar coat this one. Time outs not working? Threaten being eaten by a bear, that will work. Wear your “Mama Bear” shirt for extra emphasis.
The Quiet Place – For Kids!
You know that movie where everyone had to be quiet or some creature will get them? Combine that with “The Quiet Game” your kids already know how to play, and then go drink your coffee in peace.
The Monster Who Lives Under Your Bed
Yes, kids, there is a monster under your bed, and he really likes feet, so I suggest you keep your asses in bed.
How to Make Your Birthday Presents Disappear With Whining
A self-help book for kids! Yes, children, you too can use the power of whining to watch your gifts disappear one by one. This book includes a bonus chapter on Christmas.
Harry Potter and the Kid Who was Grounded Forever
What if Harry never became a wizard but stayed under the stairs forever? What, that’s not possible? Back-talk to me once more and see for yourself.
Llama Llama Don’t Piss Off Mama
Mama Llama has had enough, and if Llama doesn’t get his furry little nose out of her butt, there is going to be hell to pay.
Okay, so we would never really read these books to our kids – but isn’t it just a little bit tempting? If you need me, I’ll be over here reading Goodnight Moon for the eight-thousandth time.