So… I did a thing. Some of you may frown at me and some of you may praise me. I’m not proud of it but I can’t control it. I cheated on my family when I went away for a week. When I came back, I came back with a new love in my life; I know that you may be judging me but just hear me out.
Life Before Kids
Before I had children, my life was full of adventures.
I would stay out and party until morning and sleep until it was time to party again. My only purpose in life was to surround myself with people who made me smile and laugh until the sun came up. I was happy and free to live my life to the fullest, yet I always knew that something was missing; I just couldn’t figure out what it was.
SO WHAT WAS I MISSING THEN?
I was over the moon and around the corner when I found out that I was pregnant with my first child.
It instantly became clear to me that this baby was exactly what I was missing. I thought that I partied and experienced enough in life that I didn’t need to be free anymore; that I could happily give up everything I was for my family. Boy was I wrong! I had no idea what I was doing.
I don’t think I’m alone when I say that I feel/felt like a bad mom if I wasn’t around every second of every day for my family.
Essentially I walked away from all of my friends when I got pregnant to solely focus my time and energy on my family. I found my purpose in life and loved every minute of it but became really depressed. For years I would start crying before I would open my eyes in the mornings and would continue to cry until I went to bed; just to do it all over again the next day.
I hit a brick wall in a dark place and it was a confusing time for me.
I had everything I’ve ever wanted in life but felt so sad all the time. It persisted and progressively got to the point where I couldn’t even get up without pain shooting from my head to my toes; It always felt like I had hundreds of butterflies fluttering around in my belly that constantly made me sick to my stomach. My headaches never went away, I couldn’t concentrate on anything and I forgot everything.
It became clear to me that I needed help. I reach out to my doctor and he diagnosed me with severe depression and anxiety. He put me on medication that helped me cope with these awful feelings.
The medication took away the pain and tears so that I could function with my depression and anxiety but I realized that I lost myself somewhere along the way. I don’t know exactly when I lost myself but there was a shift.
It pains me to admit but I haven’t felt real happiness in years; that it’s actually hard for me to feel anything at all.
I just float through my days organizing my family and doing what needs to get done in order to keep everyone else healthy and happy. Everyone has clothes on their backs, food in their bellies and a clean home to come home to. The kids have a mom and dad who show them love daily, the bills are paid on time and no one has to worry about anything because, “momma’s got it.”
So, who did I cheat on my family with?
I found a new love in my life when I recently spent a week in Vancouver. I’ve actually know this person for a long time but we lost touch many years ago. This person is a fun, loving, happy person who makes me smile. She makes me feel alive, a feeling I haven’t felt in thirteen years; all the demands waiting for me at home just melt away when I’m with her, not completely vanishes but it’s not the only thing I focus on.
She makes me smile and laugh from the pit of my belly. She forces me to stop and watch the waterfalls; to enjoy and listen to the sounds of stillness without a thought of worry.
With some time away from all the demands waiting for me at home I was able to feel a love I never thought I would feel again. She allows me to break out of the chains of responsibilities, to feel happy and free again.
I cheated on my family with myself and I don’t regret a thing. In fact, I want more so I’ll be figuring out how to incorporate this new love into my current life; she is here to stay so my husband will have to accept her and my kids will have to get used to her. I know that I can have the best of both worlds now.
This post originally appeared on the blog, Mommy Reborn