Nobody warns you about the weird parts of parenting.
Sure, they tell you that your new family member will need to eat every few hours and that changing diapers will become so familiar you could practically change them in your sleep (and you probably have) – these are things you expect.
They don’t tell you that you’ll be bossed around for the foreseeable future by miniature versions of yourself.
They don’t tell you that your back will be thrown out of alignment from being climbed on and clung to and jumped on for no less than eight years.
They don’t tell you that your (what used to be) private restroom time will become a family affair.
They don’t tell you that the family dog will be used as a canvas.
They don’t tell you that at any given time a little streaker might scoot through your living room, shaking their booty while singing the ABC song and laughing maniacally.
They don’t tell you that your kid will probably poop in his diaper during nap time and then take off said diaper to play with his creation.
When you investigate the foul smell wafting through the house, you’ll discover the poo art. His bed will be covered, along with his toys and his floor. You won’t know what to do. Naturally, you’ll snap a picture first and then stand there in shock for an unknown amount of time. You’ll figure it out though.
They don’t tell you that some strange phrases will exit your mouth, such as, “Get your cheese off the wall!” and “We poop INSIDE!”
They don’t tell you that your kids will talk to their private parts.
They don’t tell you that your five year old will need to use three butter knives to construct her Sunbutter (a peanut butter alternative) and jelly sandwich.
They don’t tell you that no matter how many books you read on proper nutrition for kids, they still won’t eat anything except for Goldfish. (Hint: You might want to go ahead and buy stock in Pepperidge Farm now.)
They don’t tell you that your nerves will be shot 99.9% of the time. But although they will test you, they’re cute and you’ll get over it.
They don’t tell you that whatever your children did to unintentionally upset you today, won’t matter tomorrow.
They don’t tell you that every time you send your kid off to school, you’ll watch a piece of your heart literally walking away.
They don’t tell you that your love for them will be so overwhelming that you’ll get butterflies whenever you look at them.
Parenting will be the weirdest, most stressful, grossest, exhausting time of your life. Enjoy it.
This post originally appeared on Brooks Party Of Four