One of life’s greatest mysteries is not how the pyramids were built or what happens when we die. Oh no. It’s why do men take so damn long in the bathroom?
As any woman living with a man knows, men (and yes, I’m generalizing) spend an inordinate amount of time on the porcelain throne.
They disappear into the bathroom and two hours later, they finally emerge.
What is taking so long? Is it a tear in the space-time continuum? Are they trapped in a time loop? Is there a hidden portal to Narnia?
Seriously, guys, inquiring minds want to know.
Because while you’re off in Doo-Doo Land, your partner is out here, in the real world, dealing with screaming children, cooking dinner and about ready to lose her mind if you spend one more minute “pooping.”
If you’re struggling with your significant other spending long leisurely hours in the bathroom, there is help. A company by the name of Katamco has created a Toilet Timer specifically “for the long-pooper or poo-crastinator in your life.”
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Available for the low low price of $14.99 on Amazon, this innovative product may just be the answer to your potty-time prayers.
The Toilet Timer tracks time by using an hourglass, with the sands shifting from the man’s bowels to the toilet. When the toilet is full, it’s time to get off the pot. It’s that easy.
According to the product description:
The Toilet Timer is for the poo-crastinator taking their sweet time. This is a sand timer that runs for about five minutes. Help your loved one get back to the people they are trying to avoid.
Because we’re on to you.
Katamco has “concocted a special new blend of unicorn magic and gravity that makes the Toilet Timer easy to set.” All you need to do is spin it and set it. That’s right. Even a husband can do it.
And in case you’re wondering if it’s just a gag gift to give for upcoming Father’s Day, it’s not. It’s so much more.
The Toilet Timer is more than just a subtle hint for the long-pooper in your family. Did you know that there is actually medical benefit to not lingering in the loo?
You are quite possibly saving your husband’s life. Or the timer is saving his. From possible domestic homicide.
Should he continue spending ridiculous amounts of time playing Clash Royale while he sits upon his Throne of Lies.
It is a proven fact that men spend more time than women in the bathroom.
A survey conducted by UKBathrooms.com found that men spend, on average, 14 minutes a day perched on the toilet compared to 8 minutes a day for women. Clearly, the men were lying. Ask a wife. It’s significantly longer.
Even so, let’s just say for argument’s sake that this is true. At 14 minutes a day, that’s 1 hour and 45 minutes per week, 91 hours per year. And nearly 320 days over a lifetime. That’s right men, at the rate you’re going you will be spending almost a year of your life on the shitter.
Good times.
The survey also found that 86% of men do most of their reading on the toilet compared to just 27% of women. Other popular pastimes included browsing the internet, texting, and playing mobile phone games.
And the reason why men spend so much time in the bathroom is not that nature is calling and taking her sweet old time getting things moving.
Rather it’s because men find it “relaxing” and a “good opportunity to have some time alone.”
And I get it. I’d hide in the bathroom too if I didn’t get interrupted 10 seconds after shutting the door. Or if I wasn’t worried that the house would be burnt down to ashes if I take longer than 90 seconds to drop a deuce.
If the Toilet Timer doesn’t work for you, you could always try investing in a sloped toilet. The “Standard Toilet” is designed to slope at a downwards angle of 13 degrees, just enough to make sitting on it for more than 5 minutes unbearable.
BREAKING NEWS: Say goodbye to comfort breaks! New downward-tilting toilets are designed to become unbearable to sit on after five minutes. They say the main benefit is to employees in improved employee productivity. pic.twitter.com/lfDbeXJdCX
— Dave Vescio (@DaveVescio) December 17, 2019
The inventor of the toilet, Mahabir Gill, told Wired his reasoning behind the 13-degree slope.
“After around five minutes of sitting, this will cause strain on the legs, similar to a low level squat thrust. Thirteen degrees is not too inconvenient, but you’d soon want to get off the seat quite quickly.”
There is a much easier solution, however, and it doesn’t require a Toilet Timer or an angled toilet. Men, shit and get off the pot. That is all.