The Best Ways To Get Revenge On Your Kids When They Are All Grown Up

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When I was little, my parents had one of those humor signs that were so popular in the 80s hanging in our den. It read, “Live long enough to become a burden on your children.”  I knew it was supposed to be funny, but I didn’t get it. Guess what – I do now, bitches! So I thought it would be fun to think of the best ways to get revenge on your kids when they are all grown up.

Oh, I am already making plans for how I am going to get my kids back for all the shit they have put me through.

I have always raised them using logical consequences, so why stop now? When they are on their own, and self-sufficient, I am going to get all logical consequences up in their asses. Want to join me with yours? 

When I was little, my parents had one of those humor signs that were so popular in the 80s hanging in our den. It read, “Live long enough to become a burden on your children.”  I knew it was supposed to be funny, but I didn’t get it. Guess what – I do now, bitches! So I thought it would be fun to think of the best ways to get revenge on your kids when they are all grown up. #filterfreeparents #revenge #funnyparenting

Here are the best ways to get revenge on your kids when they get older. 

Eat all of their food

Wait until they have done a full grocery trip, go over to their house before they get up in the morning or after they go to bed, and eat everything in the fridge. If you want to be extra thorough, identify the one item they are specifically saving for themselves, eat about one-third of it, then leave it out so it goes bad before they get to it.

Call them at four in the morning to tell them your blanket came off

This is the information they need to know. Alternatively, you can try: you can’t reach the stuffy that fell on the floor; you’re thirsty, or inform them that frogs eat flies, but people don’t.

Ask “why?” after every sentence

It doesn’t matter what the sentence is, just keep asking why until they give in and say, “Because I said so,” and then smile as they have the sudden realization they have turned into you.

Shout their personal business in the grocery store

Ask them to take you shopping, and then somewhere around the produce section (where the acoustics and visibility are great) yell, “Something smells, did you fart?” Follow up in frozen foods with, “Why did we have to stop at the pharmacy for that cream? Is that for that rash on your ‘bajina’?”

Throw a tantrum because their partner “keeps looking at you”

Wait until everyone is settled in watching TV – maybe a movie, or a sports event – then call your child’s name out. Make it as loud and as long as possible. When they look, accuse their partner of looking at you. Insist that it’s true and that it’s rude. If they don’t go for it, scream, “You always take their side!”, stomp out, and slam the door.

Ruin family dinner

Wait for an invitation to a nice family dinner. When your child puts out the spread they have been working hard on all evening, scrunch up your nose and say, “Ew, this again? Gross.” Admit you liked it last time you came over, but now you think it’s disgusting. Fifteen minutes later, whine that you are starving, and ask what there is to eat.

Force them to listen to your music

Tell them their music is inappropriate for you, and blast 80s and 90s jams. Sing along in the car! “Informer, klhfklhvnwifnczmgrojfzmkdsnklg, a licky bum bum now.”

Watch TGIF 90s shows on a loop

Step-by-Step, Full House, and Family Matters marathon? Did I do that?

Refuse to wear pants

Full stop. Take them off in the living room, at the dinner table, or in the car. Wait until you are riding with them to somewhere important and timely, like a movie, or a dinner reservation, then sit on the floor in your underwear and list the reasons why pants suck and you are never wearing them again.

Eventually, give in, but only if you wear a costume.

When you have done all of these, remember to suddenly switch to being loving and cooperative, just to keep them on their toes. Repeat for, say, eighteen years.

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