Thousands of “Penis Fish” Get Stranded on California Beach Proving 2019 Is Going Out With A Bang

Let me set the scene for you.

You, a red-haired mermaid, are pulling yourself out of the ocean and onto a rock. You are marveling at the human world and longing to join it. You let out a spontaneous song that has been building up inside you to describe your deepest desire– to sprout legs and walk upon a beach covered in….

worms that look like flaccid penises.

“I wanna be where the dick fish are. I wanna see, wanna see ’em flopping…”

Dramatic splash.

This may just be the weirdest thing you’ve seen today!

Thousands of these marine worms, called fat innkeeper worms—or “penis fish”—washed up on Drake’s Beach after a recent storm. ? But why? https://t.co/MwY6xkN3kb pic.twitter.com/vGMpSvGoAT

— Bay Nature magazine (@BayNature) December 11, 2019

But yes. Real, actual news.

A beach in California is covered in 10-inch long, pulsing, pink invertebrates known as Priapulida, inaccurately called “penis fish” because they are actually penis worms.

These little men of the sea– or sea men (sorry if that pun was a kind of hard to swallow)– are unsegmented marine worms. And they are making Drakes Beach look like ground zero for one hell of a sausage fest.

According to Baynature.org,

“The innkeeper is a survivor with fossil evidence of U-shaped burrows dating back 300 million years. They are quite long-lived, recorded up to 25 years old. That said, the fat innkeeper has many threats. They are preyed on by otters, flounders, sharks, rays, gulls, and humans.”

As can be expected, Twitter had things to say about this nautical nonsense in response to the tweet from Bay Nature Magazine.

We are truly screwed.

Well, now I need to know her opinion on this. Has anyone told Cardi B about the wank worms?

Where is your sense of adventure?! Your thrill for surprise??

It’s nice to have satisfying hobbies.

Please do not bring these fish home to meet your mom.

The stranded blowmefish cover the shore for about two miles. Sadly, most of them are dead. Even sadder, it smells like cock corpse fish out there.

Cleanup is expected to be messy and those tasked with the hands-on job will likely want to wear some sort of protection. 

According to BayNature Magazine El Nino could be to blame for this outpouring of peens on the beach. And, since we can all admit that 2019 has been one weird ass year – we’re not at all surprised that it’s going out with a penis bang.