To The Teen Wearing The “I Only Date Models” T-Shirt


To The Teenager Boy Wearing The Offensive T-Shirt –

You know who you are. You are the boy wearing the offensive T-Shirt emblazoned with the message: Sorry girls, I only date models.

And you know who I am. I am the middle-aged, overweight mom who stood and glowered at you for a full thirty seconds after reading your T-Shirt. Or maybe you didn’t notice me, because I’m not a model.

But I’m here to tell you that I am a model – a model mother, wife and citizen.


I know I don’t look like a model to you, as my hair is highlighted gray instead of peroxide blonde. And if my hips are roughly double the circumference of the average super model, it’s because I pushed three babies out through these hips, you ignorant twerp.

If my silicone-free breasts offend you because they aren’t as large or firm as those you would find in the Sport’s Illustrated Swimsuit Edition, that’s because I nursed all three said babies with those breasts. If these tired old boobs want to lie down and rest, then I say they have it coming.

You probably didn’t notice my legs because I’m not mincing along in stilettos.

I’m wearing sensible shoes because my feet hurt from years of walking the floor with fussy babies and standing on the sidelines cheering at my kids’s sports games.

I know that my face isn’t smooth and wrinkle free. Those lines are a roadmap of my life and the crap I’ve had to put up with from punks like you. At least you can tell I’m pissed off by the expression on my Botox-free face.

Furthermore, the bags under my eyes aren’t heroin chic but the real thing.

They are the product of years of parenting-induced sleep deprivation and nights spent lying awake worrying about my daughters going out with snot-nosed kids like you.

So I am a model, just not the kind you’re looking for.

My advice to you is to go home and kiss the mother who brought your sorry butt into this world. Or, if she let you out of the door knowing you were wearing that T-Shirt; then slap her for me.

This post originally appeared in Brain Child Magazine



  1. Oh, come ON. That is NOT her point at ALL. She’s commenting on the teenager’s statement to the world at large that only models are beautiful. She’s not trying to attract him, she is pointing out that women’s bodies come in all shapes and sizes and that if someone downgrades women who don’t look like a model, they’re kind of jerks. She is explaining a few of the many reasons why her body (and other women’s bodies) don’t look like models’ bodies. I can’t believe any reader would think otherwise. (Also, stop lumping teenagers in with sweet baby-breathed children; YES, I KNOW they ARE children, but your note makes them sound like sweet innocent cherubim. And before you sic CPS on me, too, I will say again that yes, of course, they’re children, technically, I KNOW.)

  2. Gabi, one, it’s satire. Two, how can you possibly read her article in such a way to misconstrue what she’s saying to mean she wants him to be attracted to her? I cannot bend my mind to comprehend what you could possibly mean.

  3. I think you missed her point. She’s a mom.
    Of teenaged girls. Since she was not the target of his ‘model’ image, but her girls may be, I don’t know of a mom alive who wouldn’t ‘glower’ at such a person as this.

  4. This woman isn’t sick. She’s a rockstar. A MODEL. A REAL model. Not the kind this teen’s shirt is referring to, but the kind people look up to.


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