If you want to be a working mom who is straight up kicking ass in the motherhood department, I’ve got you, sister. I’m about to drop some working mom wisdom all over this blog post.
In fact, you should get yourself a chocolate mom-a-tini, lock your brain in the full and upright position, and put a sign on your front door that reads, “Don’t. You. Dare.”
It’s that deep.
To be clear, I’m talking to moms who are working both inside and outside their homes. You’re working, whether or not you’re getting a check from the man. Or the woman. Or the millennials who own everything and have all the dollars.
How To Be Working Mom Who Kicks Ass at Motherhood
1. Wake up before your kids – unless your kids are normal and you are normal and that whole idea is BS.
A Kick-Ass Working Mom knows she’s not going to wake up before her kids for some special mommy meditation and calm coffee. You know why? Kids are bullfrogs.
Turns out those gross little green buggers can go months WITHOUT SLEEPING. They close their weird eyes and rest, sure. But one sound, touch, or husband who doesn’t understand the concept of not slamming the bathroom door, and they are up and ready to go.
2. Lay out everyone’s clothes the night before – unless everyone’s clothes are in the washing machine, where they’ve been for two days, mildewing.
A Kick-Ass Working Mom knows that dryers magically turn dirty clothes into clothes that can be worn again. One dryer sheet and half an hour later and your son’s pants smell a little less like regulation pee.
Now they smell like April Fresh pee.
3. Make lunches ahead of time – unless all you have in the house is one banana, a bag of crackers, some mayonnaise packets from Wendy’s, and some old Christmas candy.
A Kick-Ass Working Mom is undaunted. Sandwich the mayo between crackers, cut the banana in half and throw in a misshapen chocolate reindeer for dessert. “This is what JoJo Siwa was eating on YouTube the other day.”
That’s right. She invoked a Disney star for the win.
4. Ask for time off to go to all your child’s activities – unless you have a boss who believes if employees were supposed to have kids, HR would have issued them.
A Kick-Ass Working Mom does what a champion does. She prepares for days in advance of the school play by working her way up to full-on ebola virus.
Day one she coughs a little. Day two she complains to co-workers that HER STOMACH HURTS. By day eleven no one is surprised when she tells them her eyeballs are bleeding and she has to leave early.
Commitment. That’s the key.
5. Create a chore chart for your family – unless your family cannot comprehend how charts even work. Chart? Is that French? And how does this whole checkmark system function anyway?
A Kick-Ass Working Mom knows chore charts were created by the Pinterest Illuminati. She knows normal human families see them as exciting challenges to come up with creative new lies.
“The dishwasher tabs make me poop when I touch them.”
“My teacher said I needed to practice humming for at least 3 hours a night.”
“I knew I’d just do it wrong, honey. I’m such a dumb man. So very, very dumb.”
Instead of chore charts, A Kick-Ass Working Mom uses very loud and totally baseless threats.
“I swear to the gods of war that I will take every toy out of this house, soak them with an abundance of lighter fluid, and create a raging inferno that can be seen from space.”
“On the honor of the graves of my ancestors, if I see one more dirty dish in the living room, I will wait until you are all asleep, sneak into your rooms like a stealthy ninja, and shave one eyebrow from each of your precious faces.”
6. Look for small opportunities to share quality time with the kids – unless you don’t even have a small opportunity to shave your own legs. You’re basically one hormone away from having the legs of your Grandpa.
A Kick-Ass Working Mom realizes that quality time can mean anything from attentively watching them mow down zombies ON THEIR IPADS to eating drive-thru Chinese food together in a parked car while waiting for the baseball coach to show up.
7. Let go of guilt – unless you are an actual monster with no feelings.
A Kick-Ass Working Mom feels guilty every day. Every. Damn. Day.
She’s sad when she drops them at school. She watches them sleep at night and cries a little. She hates herself for not doing the whole working mom thing right.
So, my dear reader here comes the truth bomb.
There is no right way to be a working mom and kick ass at motherhood.
All you can do is what you can do, and most of the time you’re going to feel like you are failing so hard at keeping it all balanced.
That’s okay. The silent majority of moms feel exactly the way you do. Embrace it.
Keep doing your best. It’s enough. I promise.