Let me be the first to remind you the grief surrounding your divorce may last longer than you expect.
Clearly, the comments “Hurry up and get over this,” or “You should be over this by now!” from your ex are wielded like little arrows to retaliate. Maybe your family and friends casually say this as well.
If you still feel a sting when you hear this, just know what you’re feeling is normal and you will be OK.
You may feel lighter and brighter one day, only to be surprised you are crying at a red light the next.
Please remember this is about them and not you.
This is gaslighting and denial of the harm they caused you. They would like it swept under the rug as quickly as possible so they feel less vulnerable, criticized, attacked, or guilty.
Just because it is uncomfortable for them to see your pain, it does not mean you should take this feeling of “I should be over this by now” to heart.
Don’t condemn yourself for not fitting on someone else’s emotional timeline.
You must, you absolutely must, honor those grieving moments in order to heal. Your tears are part of feeling the loss and a reminder of your worthiness.
Don’t be pressured to rush your process or preemptively ignore your true emotions because they think you should be over the divorce by now.
You have every right, every single right, to feel your feelings of sadness, grief, and unsteadiness. Let this be a reminder that you have to take time to heal.
So give yourself permission to heal.
Trust your body. It will know when to let go of the pain. The electric charge will soften every time you must deal with your ex. This is progress. This is healing.
All of the divorce procedures, the single parenting, the fighting over the smallest of details, the getting caught in the old patterns, all of it, is overwhelming and clouded with grief.
Your internal progress will not always be visible to others, nor will they validate your feelings around the loss.
You are in charge of your processing. This is your power. This is how you crawl your way back to yourself.
Simply remind yourself all you need to do is take one step forward at a time. One foot in front of the other.
The rawness will fade along with the urge to prove you are healing in an “acceptable pace” for outsiders.
You take your power back when you let go of your desire to be seen and understood by someone who is no longer in your life.
They are shifting blame from the many ways they caused you harm to how fast you can get over it.
You are courageous, my dear. You keep showing up every day, after every insult, after every perceived failure. Please keep going.
I encourage you to let their comment pierce your heart, really feel it sting. And then choose to not let someone else define your healing for you. This takes tenacity.
Keep choosing you in as many moments and in as many days you can.
Change happens one degree at a time after an emotional event, including divorce.
We may feel like we aren’t getting over the divorce fast enough, but let me remind you, you are gaining ground, yet the effect isn’t immediately obvious.
Give yourself the support they never could. Hold your healing sacred as you would a little child — stand your ground with grace and gentleness.
Let that moment those words hit you to be another moment you step into your power. Love yourself so much that you learn to separate their shit from your own healing.
Recognize this moment as a gift. They are trying to villainize your healing as a way to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions. They are ultimately trying to hold something over you to regain their power.
Tell yourself and them quite frankly:
“You do not get to make demands of me, my healing, or my time. You don’t get to police how I feel. Disrespecting me won’t help you.”
Or if you’re feeling feisty:
“Feeling hurt after outrageous harm to me and my family is a natural response. You are making me feel uncomfortable. Do not say anything else to me.”
Do not by any means go into over-explaining why you feel hurt. They will not hear you. You can’t say it louder for those in the back.
Do not fall into this trap where you try to justify your pain from the divorce.
They are not interested in your pain, your personal growth, your healing. Save your energy. They will not validate you. Accept this.
It may be hard to recognize and to sit with people hurling their discomfort at you. Feel your hurt. Feel the anxiety that tells yourself that you too feel like you should be over the divorce by now.
Don’t fake that you aren’t. Sit with it. Shield other people’s attacks by honoring your hurt.
Sometimes you have to parent yourself over and over till your mind and body gets it.
Allow yourself the freedom to figure out what you internally want from healing instead of rushing through to seem like we are seen as “strong” or “independent” from outside eyes.
Take all the time you need. Your pain isn’t a reason for shame. Remember your only job is your own true healing.
Ultimately, remember this is a time for both grief and celebration. All the loss has now exposed your potential for growth, for change, for new opportunity.