Men don’t know what it feels like to have a baby kick a full bladder. They don’t really know the top level of the unofficial medical pain scale – level 10 childbirth. They also have nipples for no reason. But that doesn’t make them less of a parent. Men are great parents and, this Father’s Day, we salute you – to our husbands – the best dads ever.
And here’s why my husband (and probably yours, too) are the best dads ever –
The kids admire his bodily functions. You know when you first start dating and any mention of pooping, peeing, burping, farting, and accidentally shitting your pants is a little awkward? That’s over now. It’s not awkward anymore. Watching the father of your children run into the house, holding his ass, and repeating “get out of my way, kids! MOVE!” is breaking all the barriers of awkwardness. The kids know shit happens to the best of dads and that shit always happens in the biggest and most dramatic way when dad’s around.
He’s a pool dad. Hear me out – a pool dad is different than a dad with a “dad bod.” Let’s not confuse the two. A dad bod is – well, it’s a dad with a gut, if I’m going to be honest. It’s 2018, we’re done judging bodies. But we are not judging the pool dads. Pool dads are the real heroes of summer. They’re the ones diving, jumping, throwing the kids, synchronized swimming, and timing who can stay underwater the longest. They’re everything a mom could ever hope for because there’s no way in hell she’s doing a cannonball only for the neighborhood to see a boob pop out.
He’s the grossest kind of messy. “Hey, hold your nose and check out what’s growing in this sippy cup of milk I found in my car. Kinda cool.” There’s only one parent that can teach the kids that there is such a thing as dry-washing hands on your shorts. It’s always dad.
You know those friends that get super hyper when they’re tired and they’re actually kinda fun to hang around because their energy radiates in the evening? There was a dad behind that. Sleep? Not until you give dad 20 push ups and settle a wrestling match. In the end, maybe our husbands are trying to prepare the kids for their own kids by putting mom through hell. But that’s fine, dear. I’m waking your grandpa ass up when we’re watching our grandkids.
He’s always warm. Dads are always warm. Cuddling in dad’s giant, warm arms comes in handy after dad hardwires the house thermostat to temperatures set to the frozen tundra and mom can’t figure out how to un-hardwire it.
He teaches my kids the style acronym – IDGAF. Crocs are cool. And so are American Eagle cargo shorts. Only dad will try to squeeze his ass into his high school baseball pants to coach softball. He has a style like no other. It’s the IDGAF style.
To be honest, he’s the parent that doesn’t go batshit crazy at the words, “relax” or “calm down.” You tell dad to relax and he will.
The kids have him wrapped around their finger. You know the saying. It means he would do anything for the kids. He would take a bullet for them. He would buy them a pony or at least a pony ride. He would even smell the finger he’s wrapped around if the kids asked him to. He would smell the finger. He would do that.
He’s a killer. Not to sound psycho but to totally make husbands sound psycho – they’re good at killing things. Monsters under the bed, ants in the kitchen, taking a bat to a spider, or setting up mouse traps. Mickey Mouse meets his maker in our house.
He can fix things. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. If it is broke, the kids probably did it, and dad will find a way to fix it. The way to fix it is usually solved by spending half a day at Home Depot then rolling in the driveway with is that a new grill? You know what? That’s ok. That’s fine. That’s how we know he’s the best dad.
This June – Happy Father’s Day to the dads, daddies, papas, and to anyone else with nipples for no reason. Parenting is not for the weak and we salute you.