Tummies gurgling, cramping, and knowing that it could only mean one thing- we’ve all been there. Whether its the stomach bug or a bad batch of sushi, a round or three in the toilet can be especially difficult.
I’ve been there many, many, times, but I’m not going to get into that, other than to say I turned Alicia keys song lyrics into “my ass is on fire.”
Hey, don’t judge. It’s cathartic.
So… here are some tips for parents who have to go number two when their kids are permanently attached to their kneecaps. Because I know I’m not the only one who’s been stuck on the golden throne with a child or two throwing their hefty bodies at us like WWE wrestlers in training.
So Here Are 7 Ways To Poop In Peace
Keep A Stockpile Of Toys In The Bathroom.
Yes, the bathroom. I know it’s gross and you know it’s gross because somehow every time you flush germs spread over everything in the vicinity of the toilet. But- we both know our kids are going to eat dirt and lick the dog’s toes at some point.
Get over it and keep some toys in the bathroom to keep the monkeys occupied. The trick is to actually remember to wash them regularly so you don’t have tiny little poop-zillas running around your home.
Make Electronics Your New Best Friend
If you have an iPad or tablet, keep it charged and easily accessible in the bathroom because if you are dying with stomach cramps and looking to borrow your babies diaper rash cream for your own tush, the last thing you need to worry about is a little extra screen time.
The truth is that the twenty or so minutes that you are stuck on the porcelain pot, will not ruin little Susie’s chance at Harvard or her social skills. However, it will give you a chance to wipe your butt without holding a baby that is trying to climb into your underwear. #beentheredonethat #knowbetterdobetter
Snacks Will Save The Day
So, if it’s just a regular ol’ fiber one type of situation try to set your kids up with their favorite snack BEFORE you have to go, and set them up at the table. My bathroom is straight down the hall from the kitchen, so I can keep an eye on them while taking care of business.
I don’t know if yours is, but maybe you can gate off an area right outside the bathroom so they can snack within eyesight without the vomit factor of the bathroom. Honestly, I don’t know why I bother because my potty trained toddler regularly eats while he poops.
Embrace the mess and just let them rip up the toilet paper.
It takes a few minutes to clean and it will give you a few minutes of quiet to finish excreting whatever you need to into your throne. It may go against every fiber of your being to let your kid make a mess without consequences but just think of it as a Pinterest activity that is letting them learn better hand and eye coordination.
Go Back To Basics
Small babies LOVE crinkly things, let them play with the wipes you keep in the bathroom for your own precious booty. Or give them a water bottle to chew on like a puppy.
Even toddlers love crushing and smashing empty water bottles because it appeals to their destructive nature. If you are more eco-friendly keep a simple sensory activity like uncooked beans and empty Tupperware for them to throw around and make lots of noises with…and messes.
Ignore The Problem Like Their Dad Would
Buy earplugs. Put them in. Let them cry at your feet, while you do what you gotta do.
Give Yourself A Break
Just stop it. Shhh, no really stop it. You’re the mama.
They are always going to be upset when your attention isn’t 100% on them. If you accept this now, it will be at least 10% less stressful the next time you are in the loo and your kids are all crying for mommy.
Privacy is for the weak. Or at least not for moms. My husband can poop with the door closed, but if I enter the bathroom it is a party zone for the whole family- that includes my dogs and cats.
Give yourself a break and try to remember that you need to take a dump once in a while since you’re human. Pretty sure they made a book about that… And, hey, you’ll feel better and have one less thing on your to-do list, when you’re finished.