I don’t understand why people make such a big deal of sex after marriage and kids, I mean, from what I can tell its super easy provided either of you can manage to stay awake and you have the Universe acting as the Ultimate Wingman- lining shit up exactly in your favor so that you aren’t interrupted by the dog barfing or your kids wetting the bed or any other number of calamities that only seem to occur after dark because your life is a Carnival Funhouse now, ENJOY!
The following are some tips on how to perfectly plan and execute a night of restrained and practical passions with your sexy (albeit mildly irritating) life partner.
Plant the Seed
Picture this- it’s Tuesday and you get a text from your husband that says “Miss you”. After careful consideration, you decide that the time is right for trying to sneak in a little sumpin’ sumpin’ tonight. Buckle up, it’s flirting time!
You nod slowly with a coy smile on your face, as you text back “We need milk if you pass the store on your way home”.
He’ll get it.
Set the Mood
Setting the mood is the first thing you must do if you’re wanting to turn a regular Tuesday night into an amateur duet rendition of Love Shack.
You know that gross T shirt you sleep in? The one with the obscure logo that has been dramatically misshapen as it survived 3 pregnancies with you? DON’T WEAR THAT. Maybe just toss it casually into the hall way so your man can see you mean business.
He might round the corner and say something like “Hey, why do you keep leaving stuff around like this. I swear you are the messiest person I know”. What he really means is “Hey, girl I’m ready to party”.
Purr at him as he starts rage cleaning the bedroom. That confused look he gives you means he is SUPER into it.
Engage in Appropriate Pillow Talk
Ok so the mood is set. Now you need to get some sexy conversation in to really cement the romantic atmosphere. However it’s hard when you have kids and this may be the only time of the day you have actually gotten to talk to each other without them screaming and throwing toys at you.
Things can get off course in record time so it’s important to steer clear of the following topics:
- Food in the fridge that’s due to expire soon
- What time his mother is coming over tomorrow
- An itemized list of potty training horror stories from the last 24 hours
- Routine maintenance that the family vehicle needs
- How much you spent at Target
- Why the garbage wasn’t taken out when I specifically asked you to on your way out today. You said you forgot but honestly it feels like you just don’t respect me.
Recognize the Need for Speed
Lets face it, your kids are animals. No one is taking them overnight. This is why the need for speed is crucial.
You only have a bit of precious time before the kids come home, or before they wake up for some stupid reason. So you must hurry. There’s this misconception that the road to pleasure-town needs to be a scenic drive. FALSE! If there is anything that marriage with kids teaches you it’s efficiency and the appreciation for a good shortcut.
Now you might be thinking, “But hey, I want to take the scenic drive” and I gotta tell you that we all do, but sometimes that shit just isn’t in the cards- so if it’s a case of pedal to the metal or not arriving there at all, you should just gun it.
If it makes you feel better here is a list of things that are better in short form:
- Lineups
- Awards speeches
- Waitlists
- Elementary school concerts
Show Appreciation
Well folks, you sealed the deal. GREAT JOB! Show your appreciation to your partner by thanking them, and rating their performance using the Salmon Scale. Salmon is ridiculously heart-healthy, full of vitamin D (*WINK*) and very good for you, which is why this rating system uses units of salmon, for example, “Great job, I’d give that 5 out of 5 salmons”.
CONGRATULATIONS! You did it!