Overheard at doctor’s office (a blonde (no offense) was talking to a brunette):
Blonde: So a friend of a friend of a friend of a…what was I saying? Oh! A friend told me that Brillo pads can remove stretch marks.
Brunette: Brillo pads? Steel wool pads? No. That is so false it’s not even funny.
Blonde: Have you tried it or something?
Brunette: Uh, no. I wouldn’t try it because obviously it’s a myth and it would most likely damage your skin. Or hurt like hell.
Blonde: Oh. So I shouldn’t bother trying?
I tried NOT to laugh. Really, I did. I tried NOT to butt in with, “If someone told you to jump off a bridge…” I didn’t, but it took every ounce of sanity I had that day. I also tried NOT to turn around and thump her on the forehead. HARD! Sure Brillo pads, SOS pads, steel wool pads, whatever you want to call them, can take the paint off a car, remove glue from any surface, and get three inches of grease trapped on the innerds of a frying pan off with several strokes. But stretch marks? Girl? Really?
It’s actually scary what some women will try to “improve” their looks or get rid of unwanted “blemishes.” And it’s even scarier what extreme beauty treatments are available in a town near you. Here’s a handful you will not believe:
Thai Face Slapping
Remember how grandma used to pinch your cheeks to get them rosy red? A massage parlor in San Francisco has taken this one step further. The treatment consists of pinching and manipulating the skin and light slaps that are said to cure wrinkles and shrink pores. Mad at your husband? Send him for a massage! Just remember to ask for the upgraded package that includes a ring and an ex-heavyweight.
Bird Poop Facial
For $180 a Japanese spa in Manhattan will lather your face with bird poo to help give it a healthy glow. Now don’t fret. The poop has been sanitized. They’ve also sprayed it with Febreze to mask the horrible smell. Do not attempt this one at home! Or in the park.
Urine Acne Treatments
So we’ve got poop out of the way. Now it’s time to talk about pee. About you and pee, baby…sorry. I’ll stop. There’s a small community of people out there who believe that urine can cure various illnesses and eliminate acne. No joke. Supposedly pee is at it’s best early morning, when it contains the right amount of beneficial hormones. Pregnancy test, acne treatment. There’s a new business endeavor. (As a side note, Cleopatra, Julius Caesar, and a long list of historical greats used to gargle imported Portuguese urine to keep their breath fresh and teeth sparkling.)
Bee Venom Wrinkle Cream
Everywhere you look, things are buzzing in the beauty industry…literally. A popular trend that’s been advertised as the safer version of botox, is the use of bee venom in products marketed to reduce wrinkles. The cream causes a reaction in the skin that makes the body think it’s been stung, increasing blood flow and collagen to the area and essentially repairing the damaged skin. I think I’ll pass and take my chances with unpasteurized honey.
Yes, you read that right. Currently popular in the UK, tittooing involves defining and darkening the nipples using tattoo ink. Let’s all pause and pull a visual up in our heads. Yep. I’ll pass on this one, too.
That.Sounds.So.Dirty. And I’m sorry to disappoint, but Robert Pattinson is not going to get all funky with you. A supposed skin rejuvenator, aestheticians use needles to suck blood out of your body to inject into your face. I’ll take the Thai face slap.
Feeling sluggish? Get yourself a pick-me-up with snail cream! You know…that mucus that gets left behind as snails trail along…You could have THAT plastered all over your face for a mere $200 a pop.
Buttered Hoo Haw
Ethiopian women want youthful looking hoo haws. To achieve that objective, they rub butter all over their…lovely lady lumps. They then straddle a fire like a horse and smoke those buttered hoos like freshly caught trout. Why? The practice is said to tighten things up.
Bull Sperm Conditioner
Want luscious long locks that glimmer in the sun? Get yourself a bottle of bull sperm and lather up! Believe it or not, many upscale retailers are now carrying products rich in cattle funky spunk.
Ant Body Wash
Formic acid is an amazing beauty treatment, they say. They being…well, them. And what’s rich in formic acid? Armies of ants! That’s why some some companies are now crushing them and adding to body wash.