Dear Myka – Like You, I Ordered A Fourth Child That Never Arrived

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Dear Myka,

We don’t know each other, but we have a lot in common. We are both bloggers and have sons with autism.

Or rather, had.

The adoption of your son Huxley was a focal point of your vlog and for the past two years, you’ve painted a picture of harmony.

Two days ago, you announced that you had “re-homed” your four year old son, one of five children.

You said,

“There’s not a minute we didn’t try our hardest. After multiple assessments and evaluations, numerous medical professionals felt that he needed a different fit for his medical needs. He needed more.”

I don’t know much about adoption, but I know a helluva lot about more.

My fourth child, Amos, is six and it has not been an easy road and even though I always feel like he needs “more,” there has been so much joy.

It seemed like you felt the same when you shared posts with words like…

…I love this big crazy family! Wouldn’t change a thing about it!

…Thank you so much for trusting me to be your mama! I am so lucky to call you my son.

….If anything, my child is not returnable.

But, you DID return him.

Two years after you asked followers to send you $5 for his adoption, you’ve thrown in the towel because you didn’t get the child you ordered.

Your husband stated, “When Huxley came home, there were a lot more special needs that we weren’t aware of.”

Welcome to real life.

Like you, I ordered a fourth child that never arrived.

Not from China maybe, but I expected a little boy who would race to keep up with his siblings. Instead, I found myself at the hospital for a dozen weekly therapies and coming to terms with autism.

You said a few months ago- “Motherhood is not always easy. Sometimes it’s hard, unpredictable and messy.”

I wish you had embraced the unpredictable as a gift.
I wish you had not traded in your four year old son like a naughty puppy.
I wish you had believed in yourself.

“I didn’t adopt a little boy to share his struggles,” you said in your recent video, adding, “The reason I started my channel was to be positive.”

What? Did he and autism just not fit in your “brand?”

I won’t pretend to know your heart, but please tell me- if your infant son is diagnosed with autism, will you give him away, too?

Dear Myka,We don’t know each other, but we have a lot in common. We are both bloggers and have sons with autism.Or…

Posted by Tales of an Educated Debutante on Thursday, May 28, 2020

6 COMMENTS

  1. Unfortunately, I have personally known of someone else who “re-home” their adoptive child. We had the privilege of fostering the young man.
    We don’t always know our capacity to love and take care of others until we are in the situation.

  2. I’m glad this little boy has found another home I don’t think they should have kept him I think they did the correct thing this little boy needs more it breaks my heart that he has been rejected twice bless him. He needs more love more care more heart he doesn’t need a family that don’t put his needs first. I have two disabled sons with complicated needs so I do understand when life is so tough and can’t imagine giving them up it makes me cry to think of it. I just hope this little person has found his forever family although he will now be taking even more problems that they have given him. No family is the perfect family you just get by however you can sometimes just scrapping by. Be happy little chap xxx

  3. I don’t understand how anyone could give a child away just because of autism. The grandchild that I am raising has ADHD. There are challenges for sure. But I would never send him away. He has been in this home since the night he was released from the hospital at 5 weeks old. I would sooner cut off my right arm. (Although, if I have to keep homeschooling this child, he might be up for grabs…lol.) This woman obviously did not want a child bad enough. And seriously, she rehome him…I thought the article was talking about a puppy not a person. Good God!

  4. I feel your pain. I get that this is very close to your heart. A slap in the face. Maybe your right. Maybe she gave up too quickly. Maybe she just couldn’t handle a child with his behaviors. Maybe she felt she was taking away from her other kids or that worse she was putting them in harm’s way. This road is not for everybody. I commend you for the mom you are but I also commend her for knowing her limitations. Not everyone is cut from the same cloth. That’s crude to say but true. She did the most loving thing. Let’s just pray that Huxley is with a family that can support his needs and love him the way he deserves. Oh, would she give up her own child? I think she would. Maybe not as quickly or give him up for adoption but I could see her institutionalizing her own child. Again, not a horrible thing if she can’t provide the proper needs. I know it sounds cold but working with these children in such places you sometimes feel that they are better off Just my two cents…

  5. I’m going to hope that Myka found a new home for her special needs child because she realized she wasn’t able to give him the life he deserved-for whatever reason-and really is trying to give him a family that can be better and do more. Maybe she looked in the mirror and had to admit that she wasn’t the perfect mom after all, maybe she was failing him. It would take a lot to admit that and try to fix it for the child’s own good.

    I also have a special needs child-a teen with multiple mental health disorders, adhd, ocd, Tourette’s, sensory processing disorder, and learning disabilities Just tonnage a few. When had his 5th involuntary hold in a psychiatric hospital a year ago I wondered for the umpteenth time if he would have been better off with a different family. Obviously I couldn’t give him up but maybe years ago when he was still little I should have. Maybe if I had he wouldn’t be in the hospital again because maybe someone else wouldn’t have done a better job.maybe I should have given him up when I ended up a single parent at 20 without the resources needed to do everything he needed a parent to provide. He had many severe needs from toddler hood and I wasn’t able to stay home like most mothers if special needs kids are. I was often overwhelmed and tired because I was only one person doing the job of two parents while also working 2 jobs and trying to put myself through college. Maybe if he had had a different mother she couldn’t have given him all the early intervention that would have made all the difference. I often couldn’t give him the additional therapies and resources that could helped him because I was a low wage worker who didn’t get any child support so I didn’t have the means and many of those specialists were way outside my means. I loved my child and wanted that love to be enough but the fact is love isn’t always enough. I was lacking in time and resources and those failings very likely cost my child opportunities that have lead to poorer outcomes than he could have had in 2 parent family with financial stability and means. I feel extremely guilty when I think of this, extremely sad that I was idealistic in stead of realistic and perhaps even misguidedly selfish in my belief that love and grit would be enough. I wasn’t terrible -in fact I really tried and stretched myself to the limit to try and provided as much as I could and be as knowledgeable and loving as possible with him and his conditions. But the fact remains that someone else could have done more.

    Myka isn’t a single parent and she isn’t financially limited but maybe she is missing something else, something that she can acknowledge makes her ill equipped and not good enough to be her child’s mother. In that case the truly selfish thing would have been to keep Huxley and prevent him from having a mom that could be better, a mom that could be the mom the Huxley deserves. Maybe I’m wrong and she is just a jerk who threw away her child when it turned out That he wasn’t perfect/easy but maybe it was more about acknowledging that she isn’t perfect and isn’t doing a good enough job and wanting to be the mom her child deserved wasnt going to make it so. That would be hard and facing the shame of it would be hard too. Maybe this wasn’t a selfish move and maybe Huxley will be better off for it. I’m gonna hope that this was The case and I’m not going to judge this person and assume that I know their intentions.

    Go ahead and tell me I’m a jerk or stupid for thinking that Myka may not have been the villain that people assume BUT I’m sitting in a place lately where I really wonder if I failed my child by keeping him when giving him UP could have given him chances that I wasn’t able to provide. yes I didn’t eventually graduate from college and have more time for his needs and insurance but it was years into it and maybe I was too late. Maybe I should have been less selfish more realistic.

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