Depression Doesn’t Want Me To Feel Good Or Worthy. But, I Fought Hard Today.

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I forced myself to get dressed and go down to the waiting treadmill in the basement.

But I didn’t want to, no.

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I wanted to bask in my insecurities.
I wanted to dwell on my past decisions.
I wanted to relish in everything I’m not and forget about everything I am.

And that, for me, is my depression’s finest moment.

Depression doesn’t want me to feel good or worthy.

It certainly doesn’t want me liking myself or taking pride in all I’ve accomplished.

Instead, it feeds off madness. It soaks up all the negative and splashes it around like a canon ball in the water.

And for what?
So, it can survive.

You see, I’ve started back up on meds and I’ve been feeling a drastic change. A welcomed change.

But apparently that puts a damper on the control my depression wants over me.

Depression wants to whisper sweet evil in my ear until I start believing it’s true.

“You’re not funny.” “You can’t write.” “You haven’t accomplished much.” “You’re a loser.”
“You aren’t good enough.”

And my favourite, sweet crippling comparisons.

Hard. Stop.

It certainly was not an easy task, but I picked myself up off the bed, my face red and puffy and my muscles tense and resistant.

I wiped the salty tears away and pulled my hair into a tight bun on the top of my head.

With sword and shield in hand, I got ready for the fight.

I pushed myself down the stairs, one foot in front of the other.

It wasn’t until I was halfway through my second round of lunges that I realized something

I thought I didn’t want to move.
I thought I didn’t want to feel better.
I thought I didn’t want to be okay.

But I did want all that. Depression made me think otherwise.

Depression wanted me to sink into a dark black hole and veg.

Depression likes to trick me at the best of times, and I’ve got to give it credit; it does a fine job at pushing my faults to the front of the line.

But what it doesn’t realize is that I’m stronger.

I’ve been doing this for a long time and I’m aware of its malicious intent.

It’s never easy, but I grow more powerful with each episode, no matter how small the growth may be.

I didn’t want to get up and do something positive for myself, but I did.

And that’s where I win.

Originally appeared on the author’s Facebook page.

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