Since becoming a mom, I have encountered a number of people that really make me crazy. I realize it’s easy to become irritated when sleep deprived and covered in baby spit up, but I think any parent out there can relate to this.
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So, I’ve compiled a short list of all the people who drive me bonkers:
Time Management “Experts”
First of all, these people never have kids. Seriously, if I only needed to manage my own time I would be a “Time Management Expert” as well. Nothing is more frustrating than a perky, beautifully put together, recent college grad telling you how to better organize your day.
When I had my first two children I WORKED FULL-TIME and commuted to get to the office. This meant that everyone had to be out the door on time, but also with all of their gear for the day in tow and looking as presentable as possible.
My employer at the time liked to have an occasional seminar for us where a Time Management Expert would come and talk to us about how to be on time, organize our day etc. She would tell us things like, “Try leaving the house fifteen minutes earlier than you have to. This creates a buffer if you start to run behind.”
Lady, I could leave the house an hour before I am supposed to since I probably haven’t been to bed, but these things are still going to happen:
First, the toddler will get fully undressed while I am buckling the baby into his seat. Then, while I am dealing with redressing the toddler, the baby will either spit up or have a diaper explosion which will require me to remove him from the seat to change him.
While I am doing this, THE TODDLER will undress again, this time losing one of her shoes in the process. Then, the baby will decide he does not want to go back into the seat and will refuse to sit, thus causing a wrestling match that will go on for several minutes while the toddler tosses the shoe I just spent fifteen minutes locating out of the vehicle. I won’t notice this until I arrive at daycare, and will then have to go back and retrieve the shoe. So, take your fifteen-minute buffer and stick it.
Then she would tell us about how to allow ourselves time to get ready and look professional when we arrive at work.
My favorite tip was to lay our clothes out the night before for the next day. Really? First of all, anything I lay out the night before is going to go missing since my toddler likes to hide things in the toy box, laundry hampers, any available drawer or under the bed.
I was late for this seminar because my car keys and cell phone were stashed in the caboose of a sit and ride train toy. Second of all, I could lay my outfit out a month before I have to be at work, it isn’t going to stop the baby from spitting up all over me, the very second I cross the threshold into daycare.
If you want a working mom to take a Time Management Expert seriously, hire another mom. Then, have secret underground meetings about tips no one else will give you. How to hogtie, and bribe with Smarties. Serve wine. (Just a suggestion.)
Grocery Store Eye Rollers
Oh I’m sorry, are you not enjoying my child’s tantrum? Strange, because I love it! In fact, we rehearse this before we leave the house because it makes running a bunch of errands so much easier. If you aren’t going to get off your high horse and help me carry this stuff to my car while I desperately cling to this writhing, screaming child, then at least keep your eye rolls to yourself. Thank you.
Doctors That Don’t Listen
There is not a team of scientists on this planet that can rival a mom with a SICK CHILD and access to Google. We will do anything to help our children, so don’t treat us like we are overreacting when we show up in your office. We don’t get paid to worry this much, you do.
Parenting “Experts” with No Children
Nothing, and I mean nothing is more infuriating than someone without children telling you HOW TO PARENT YOUR CHILD. How on earth can you even call yourself an expert in something you have never actually done? Do you need some engine work done on your car? Well, I just read a book about it so why don’t you tell me all about what a terrible parent I am while I tear your car engine apart for you?
I also took a course recently online about the importance of cardiovascular health. Why don’t you hand me a scalpel and I’ll take care of that blocked artery for you while you tell me why I shouldn’t bed share? Seriously, stop it. If you don’t have children, don’t tell me how to raise mine.
Fellow Parents Who Have Forgotten About the Village
This is the worst group of all. The judgmental looks from fellow parents while your child is having a meltdown, the sideways glances from the parent in the cubicle next to you at work who somehow manages to be on time every day, and of course the parents at school drop off who insist on staring at the mystery stain on your out of style pants.
WE ARE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER. We all want the same thing. We want happy, healthy children and to hold onto the dream that we might someday sleep again.
Parenthood would be so much easier if we could lean on each other and look to each other for support and understanding. No one is winning the “Best Parent Ever” award anytime soon – so stop with the competition. We need each other.
And the moms who are always late, have the wild children and the mystery stains? They also usually have a chocolate stash and wine in the fridge. Just saying….
This post originally appeared on Is That Chocolate Or Poop?