This post is sponsored by Right To Desire. The author was compensated through payment and product. However, all opinions are the sole opinions of the author.
Birthing a child does a number on one’s body. Whether you have a vaginal birth or a cesarian delivery, you have to contend with swollen bits, painful uterine contractions, and engorged breasts. You may feel tired, famished, angry, sad and gross. All of which are normal feelings in the days, weeks and even months after giving birth.
The last thing you probably feel is sexy.
How can you feel desirable when you now share your body with another being?
Pregnancy is only the beginning of what essentially is a parasitic relationship with your child. Your baby depends on you for survival and your body no longer belongs to you alone.
It is no wonder women aren’t eager to jump back into bed with their partners, let alone view themselves as anything other than mindless baby machines.
When I had my first baby, I was exhausted, my days were spent smelling like a mix of sour milk and baby poop.
I was a hormonal mess of emotions and I needed to find the woman I was before I gave birth. I was not prepared for how bad my body would feel post birth. I had vaginal tearing from a rapid delivery, my breasts were always uncomfortable from an oversupply of milk, and I just felt gross. I was living in a daze of motherhood, and being intimate was the furthest thing from my mind.
The woman who was confident in her body and was able to see herself as desirable had disappeared. I wondered if I would find her again.
And I’m not alone. One in 10 women are distressed by low sexual desire.
And, while women can experience a lowered sex drive at any stage of life, Hypoactive Sexual Desire (HSDD) can be particularly challenging for those who have just given birth. Many women who enjoyed sex before they had children, face a loss of desire, which can had stress to a relationship on top of the normal strain of new parenthood.
That feeling doesn’t have to disappear for good. Like me, you too can find that woman who once felt desirable.
Though the path can be arduous and long, these tips can help you on your way to feeling sexy once again.
Exercise
My first baby nursed round the clock and always wanted to be held. Yet, no matter how tired I was, I made sure I got out of our apartment and walked with my baby. Even if it was just to the corner store. Even in winter.
For me, however, the real change happened when I was able to return to my favorite form of exercise — pole dance.
Pole dancing before and during my pregnancy was instrumental in improving my body confidence and making me feel sexy. Though my body and my abilities were different post partum, I was able to sink back into the movement and reconnect with something which made me feel good.
As soon as you feel up for it, try returning to your favorite form of fitness. Don’t push yourself to match what you were able to do before you had your baby. If you were a runner, completing a 5K would be a good choice before tackling that half marathon.
Eventually, you might get back to your pre baby fitness routine, but even if you don’t, just moving your body a little every day can help.
Invest in a Nice Pair of Underwear
Once you’ve moved past the awful stage of constant vaginal bleeding and your nether regions have returned to their normal size, consider digging out or even buying some sexy underwear. They can still be comfortable — no need for anything to ride up your backside. Choose a color which makes you feel good, or something lace, or maybe a bit see through.
If you are breastfeeding, they do make some pretty nursing bras, but I have found most to be more style than function. If you are comfortable with them, many lingerie brands offer sexy bralettes which might serve as a nice alternative.
Find Self Love in Self Touch
Many women aren’t ready for intimacy with a partner until long after their doctor gives them the green light for sex. Reasons can vary from being “touched out,” to exhaustion, to post partum depression and simply not being in the mood.
If you feel like you aren’t quite ready for sexual activity with your spouse, you might still be able to enjoy some pleasure on your own.
Being alone means you can rediscover what feels good (things might have changed since birth). You will also be able to begin thinking of yourself as a sexual being once more.
Eventually, you may feel comfortable involving your partner by showing them what feels good for you.
Be Vocal About What Feels Good (and what doesn’t)
Breastfeeding, surging hormones — our bodies are changed by birth and what once felt good may no longer do the trick.
Speak up about positions which might feel more comfortable and be honest if certain areas are too sensitive for stimulation.
If you aren’t ready for intercourse, find other ways to connect intimately with your spouse. Even having your partner hold you can be enough. You might even be ok with satisfying your partner, just make sure it is out of genuine desire and not out of pressure or guilt to please another.
Remember, you are not alone or abnormal for not wanting sex
Every woman responds to child birth differently. For some, the need for sex returns right away. For others, it takes much longer. You can see where you are on your journey to desire by taking the sexual desire quiz at Rightodesire.com
If sex is an important part of your relationship, and something you want to enjoy again, don’t dismiss your feelings. A low sex drive isn’t a “normal” part of being female, or a mother, and you have just as much right to desire as your male partner.
If you are having trouble finding the desire to be sexually active again, make sure you talk to your partner and your doctor, who may be able to help you beyond what you can do on your own.
You might discover that you are suffering from a condition called Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder (HSDD).
According to Right To Desire, HSDD is a medical condition that can cause a lowered sex drive. Women who experience HSDD don’t hate sex or no longer find their partners attractive. They want to enjoy sex and feel the desire for a sexual relationship with the ones they love, but are effected by a real neurological issue, which demands respect and attention.
Feeling sexy post partum may not happen for you right away, but with time, support and patience, you can feel desirable again.