I didn’t always dream of being a stay at home mom but once I had that baby growing in my belly I knew, especially after having a miscarriage, I didn’t want to miss a thing.
I’ve been a SAHM for 3.5 years and it’s coming to an end, by choice.
The first year was a mix of chaos and bliss. All of the new mom experiences came and went. We went to indoor playgrounds and museums.
We got sick, very sick.
We went to parties, that we had to rush home for a crying tired baby.
We traveled a little and most importantly we saw all the friends and all the family, all the time.
It was crazy, but beautiful.
I didn’t love every minute but I didn’t hate it.
Now I’m a stay-at-home mom of two and my youngest’s first year was nothing like my oldest’s.
We’ve been stuck inside, hardly seeing friends and family.
We’ve tried to make the best of it and he truly has been the light during the darkest of years.
Something in me has started to change.
Over the last 6 months I found myself feeling less and less engaged, less present in the moment.
I don’t feel like myself.
Also dreading the days to come because we almost always have nothing to do or very little to look forward to. This is the part where I have to disclose how much I love my kids so I don’t come off like a crazy bad mom, but I can’t go to the park anymore.
I feel like I’m going to lose it.
Not to justify my situation but my husband works, 24/7.
We don’t have weekends off together to break up the week. He’s usually not home at dinner time and I’m just drained.
Recently we hired a nanny for 2 days a week so I could get a “break.”
A break of working eight hours straight (haha-only a mom would understand that). I found on those days, I was my best self with my kids when I was with them.
I felt relaxed and excited to see them when the day was done. I felt recharged.
I depended so much on my family to either visit us or I would go to their house to fill the seemingly endless monotonous days and weeks and when they had to cancel, I felt devastated.
It was all I was holding onto.
Truthfully, my nanny showed me it was ok to take a step back.
As a former type A kind of mom, she eased me into trusting other people with my kids and showed me how much I truly needed a break.
For some being a stay at home mom is a dream and in the beginning it was for me too.
I never wanted to go back. I’m not sure what changed but all I know is that it did.
I’m not the happy mom I used to be.
Counting down the minutes till my husband gets home every single day, counting down the days till I can have another adult conversation, counting down the times anyone has asked me how I’m doing, I feel suffocated in my role lately.
I’ll still be working from home so I will always be here when they do need me.
I feel like I’ve fallen into some kind of delayed postpartum depression, is that even a thing?
I have no energy to do anything or go anywhere. It’s like those commercials where the colors seem so dull and grey.
I feel myself being short with everyone and everything.
Feeling beyond touched out at the end of the day, that I don’t even want a hug from my husband. I don’t want to cook, I don’t want to clean.
Who am I kidding those are not new personality traits.
Guess you can just say something had to give and I already feel this new sense of happiness knowing I won’t be doing this for an eternity, day in and day out.
I was able to enjoy my kids better today because I know these summer vacation days are numbered. Just like I looked forward to our nanny days, I look forward to daycare days.
I’m doing this for myself which will only benefit everyone around me. Our kids need a happy mom because then we will have happy kids. I’ll be a better wife, not always on the verge of a mental breakdown, hopefully.
With all that being said, some parents love being a SAHM or SAHD and more power to you. I’m just writing this to normalize the feelings some moms go through.
If you feel or felt the same way, there’s no shame in admitting that having a break from your kids makes you a better mother. This is a new perspective for me and knowing there will be brighter days ahead is exciting.
I’m just figuring out what isn’t working out for us anymore and doing my best to make it right. For all of us.
This post originally appeared on Fruits of Motherhood.