The children did it. They done up and did it. They have finally made my old ass throw my hands up in the air, yelling “I don’t get it!”
They discovered the most pointless, nonsense, extra-large “why!?” with a side of Exsqueeze Me makeup trend since the bright orange spray tan.
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The children are painting dark circles under their eyes.
You might think this is some kind of pushback against the filtered, airbrushed, obscenely perfect looks we are used to seeing while we scroll our Instagram feed. It’s not.
That’s an assumption someone who has never had dark circles might make. Have you seen actual dark circles? Mine hollow my face out so much you can see into my sinuses.
My dark circles have a mortgage. They’ve been living on my face forever and they’ve got the milia and fine lines to prove it.
TikTok user @saracarstens made a now-viral video showing how she applies makeup under her eyes to mimic dark circles.
She told Today that she was inspired by wanting to embrace her own dark circles that she would normally cover with makeup.
Girl.
You have the circles. But you’re concealing them and then drawing on new ones?
Is this what the youths call “doing the most?” Because that is the most.
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This isn’t like the freckle trend from a few years ago when people were painting little brown specs all over their otherwise spotless noses and cheeks. If you don’t have dark circles, you can do what the rest of us do and never sleep or develop an iron deficiency.
I’m trying to predict what the next trend is going to be by surveying the various annoyances my body bestows upon me.
Will a Vogue cover model be sporting a few coarse, dark chin hairs in their next issue? Maybe I can sell black tank tops with chalky white marks on the armholes.
Teens can wear fanny packs under their clothes to achieve the iconic lower belly sag of my generation. Perfume with a faint hint of urine if your pelvic floor is too intact to pee a little every time you sneeze.
It is truly wild that I may one day leave my house with no makeup, my hair in yesterday’s messy bun or today’s drooping side of the head mess, boobs bouncing around in their pasture without a fenced enclosure, and someone may take my picture to post on the internet somewhere besides People of Walmart.
If someone says they like my look, I can say, “This old thing,” while pointing at my whole self.
Makeup isn’t just a way to make ourselves conventionally attractive.
It allows us to express ourselves in many different ways, depending on the mood or occasion or environment. And if I’m being honest, the dark circle thing does look cute on the people I’ve seen it on.
I just don’t get the appeal of looking less put-together than you naturally are because my natural state is that of a discarded plastic bag full of the trash from inside my minivan.
Under-eye makeup in general is having a moment.
Jewels and color and glitter are being used all over that bit of real estate between your lower lash line and your cheeks.
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That used to be a spot reserved for linebackers and Pennywise the clown but I can almost guarantee that sometime before Christmas, one of the Kardashians is going to release a line of under-eye bedazzlers.
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Children, listen closely. I lived through the 90s and the 00s. We glued a lot of dumb shit to our faces back then and we all wanted to look like we were strung out on heroin.
Sheets of bejeweled lines of “eyeliner” bought from Claire’s to adhere to our eyelids. Raccoon-eyed makeup smudged all over the place. Little rhinestones in the tear ducts? Check and throw in prescription eye drops afterward for fun.
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For the love of Britney, please stop before you tweeze your brows into skinny little sperms. You are in dangerous waters.
It’s been frustrating enough to see young girls today completely bypass the awkward tween phase because of YouTube tutorials and Sephora.
They get to skip the blue eyeliner and over-rouged cheeks and not knowing that filling in your eyebrows is a thing you can do. Now they’re finding ways to make no sleep and not enough caffeine look stylish. How rude.
Maybe I’m old (I am). Maybe I “just don’t get it” (I don’t). Maybe I’m hangry and need a Snickers bar (couldn’t hurt). But who knows? Maybe this is just one of those trends that take some getting used to?
Maybe in a few months, I’ll fully embrace the dark circle look.
It is guaranteed to be completely over and out of style by the time I am likely to come around to it. I did the same thing with Uggs.