Lately I’ve Felt Overcome With Rage

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Lately I’ve felt overcome with rage.

Rage at the bickering, the whining, the power struggles and the complete lack of listening.

Rage at the responsibility. At being in charge of dinners, and shopping, and what time X needs to get ready for Y so we can reach Z.

I’ve been yelling back more than ever. As if that’s ever helped any situation.

I’ve started mumbling, “I’m done. I can’t do this. I’m done…” over and over to myself but loud enough for others to hear.

I wonder if I’m losing it. Or if this is normal. Or worse, is this just how it’s going to be here on out.

My partner and I spend our entire evenings trying to get the kids to bed, and almost every night I’m left in near tears or slamming the door with a terse “I’m DONE!” to no one in particular but also, to everyone on earth.

My partner and I don’t even have five minutes to talk between when the kids go to bed and when I shut myself down, incapable of talking or smiling or even making eye contact.

I’m furious. At my kids. At my partner. At this situation.

But more than anyone, I’m so angry at myself.

Why can’t I do this gracefully? Why can’t I be the mom I want to be? The mom my kids need and the wife my partner needs? The person who doesn’t shout back at her kids and doesn’t threaten to be “done” every night, like clockwork.

What is wrong with me?

And the demons creep in, and they snuggle up on my shoulder and reiterate every fear inside me.

I’m a terrible mother.

My partner will leave me.

I don’t deserve any of this.

And the rage fades to painful heavy guilt and I fall asleep with the weight of everything I don’t deserve laying on my gut like a ton of bricks.

And I wake up the next more ready to try again. Determined to try again. But always wondering… is this normal? Is my rage, my frustrations, my guilt normal?

And… reluctantly… the cycle continues.

Lately I've felt overcome with rage.Rage at the bickering, the whining, the power struggles and the complete lack of…

Posted by Celeste Yvonne – The Ultimate Mom Challenge on Wednesday, April 17, 2019

5 COMMENTS

  1. This hit me so hard. It’s like you read my mind and wrote this out of my own thoughts. You’re not alone. I wish every single day I could be the gentle, calm, patient mother MY mother was. And every day I fall short. Sending you love.

  2. I felt this so much…..it’s SO hard sometimes and by the end of the night I’m Done! But every morning I try again with love and patience because they are worth it

  3. You aren’t alone. Not one bit. I always compare my life and kids to other people’s. They seem so put together and patient and happy and im the complete opposite. I have yelled and cried almost everyday the last few weeks. I know my husband is tired of it and the weight of the guilt it horrible. I also take care of my mom full time and with my husband working I feel so drained and alone. I feel like im going crazy and losing myself and I dont know how to get back. I think us mothers get so overwhelmed because we have to do everything. ( even if we don’t we feel like we do because if anyone helps us we feel bad we couldn’t do it ourselves) We don’t get the breaks husbands tend to (not all) and we lose ourselves in motherhood. I have no idea who I am or what I like outside of being a mom, caregiver and wife. Because I’m always busy taking care of my mom and pre teen boys I have lost all my friends. It causes me to get so angry because I feel I have had to give up all of me. People say get a hobby but I don’t have time and if I did I dont know what I like to do anymore. I hate that I’m angry and resentful to everyone. But it always seems that I’m depressed or irritated. I wish I could let go of the guilt but it seems to get heavier everyday. You are not alone and you are not crazy. You are just tired and overwhelmed. But know you are not alone!

  4. Not going to lie, I was desperately hoping for a light at the end of this tunnel. I could’ve written this myself, word for word, so I was hoping to find some answers. I am happy (and also sad?) to know that I’m not alone. Very well written, hit me right in the gut.

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