Lately I’ve felt overcome with rage.
Rage at the bickering, the whining, the power struggles and the complete lack of listening.
Rage at the responsibility. At being in charge of dinners, and shopping, and what time X needs to get ready for Y so we can reach Z.
I’ve been yelling back more than ever. As if that’s ever helped any situation.
I’ve started mumbling, “I’m done. I can’t do this. I’m done…” over and over to myself but loud enough for others to hear.
I wonder if I’m losing it. Or if this is normal. Or worse, is this just how it’s going to be here on out.
My partner and I spend our entire evenings trying to get the kids to bed, and almost every night I’m left in near tears or slamming the door with a terse “I’m DONE!” to no one in particular but also, to everyone on earth.
My partner and I don’t even have five minutes to talk between when the kids go to bed and when I shut myself down, incapable of talking or smiling or even making eye contact.
I’m furious. At my kids. At my partner. At this situation.
But more than anyone, I’m so angry at myself.
Why can’t I do this gracefully? Why can’t I be the mom I want to be? The mom my kids need and the wife my partner needs? The person who doesn’t shout back at her kids and doesn’t threaten to be “done” every night, like clockwork.
What is wrong with me?
And the demons creep in, and they snuggle up on my shoulder and reiterate every fear inside me.
I’m a terrible mother.
My partner will leave me.
I don’t deserve any of this.
And the rage fades to painful heavy guilt and I fall asleep with the weight of everything I don’t deserve laying on my gut like a ton of bricks.
And I wake up the next more ready to try again. Determined to try again. But always wondering… is this normal? Is my rage, my frustrations, my guilt normal?
And… reluctantly… the cycle continues.