It’s the most wonderful time of the year… or is it? As most moms know -and as SNL hilariously depicted in last week’s sketch – it takes a helluva LOT of effort to make Christmas morning magical for our families.
We’re used to the pre-holiday grind; we know that Christmas prep is like college finals week. It’s late nights, massive carb consumption, & the panic of knowing you should have started preparing much earlier.
But what does Christmas look like for someone who hasn’t experienced all of the hullabaloo before? What would a newbie make of the whole process?
In a Twitter thread that has gone viral, one man describes his observations as he celebrates Christmas for the first time, & his take on it is both hilarious and painfully accurate.
Mohammad Hussain (@MohammadHussain) explains that his Muslim family never celebrated Christmas. But due to the pandemic, going home is not an option, so:
My roommates are teaching me how to have my first proper Christmas.
Intrigued by the prospect of observing Christmas festivities in action, Mohammad tweeted that he’d be sharing his take on Twitter:
Growing up, my Muslim family never celebrated Christmas. This year I am not going home, because pandemic, so my roommates are teaching me how to have my first proper Christmas.
I am approaching this with anthropological precision.
Here are a few observations. pic.twitter.com/1WARv5nax4
— Mohammad Hussain (@MohammadHussain) December 19, 2020
“With anthropological precision”? Well, color us intrigued, too. Game on!
Mohammad breaks his experience into several observations, & his first one NAILS IT.
Observation 1: Christmas is a part time job that you have from mid-November to the end of December.
From the outside looking in, Christmas always seemed pretty simple. I always thought you put up a tree and then gave gifts to family. This is a lie.
— Mohammad Hussain (@MohammadHussain) December 19, 2020
Yass! Christmas prep IS a part-time job: long hours, overtime without pay, and involuntary work on weekends.
Speaking of weekends…
Do you want to sleep in on a Saturday? Too bad. Go put up some lights inside the house.
Oh you want to sleep in on Sunday? Too bad. Go put up some lights outside the house.
Next weekend? Nope. Every free moment you have will be spent agonizing over the gifts you must buy.
— Mohammad Hussain (@MohammadHussain) December 19, 2020
The “agonizing over the gifts” part? I feel seen.
Observation 2: People have very strong feelings about their Christmas traditions.
If someone is insisting that *certain food* is what you have to eat Christmas morning, because that’s their family tradition, DO NOT SUGGEST ALTERNATIVES. They will stab you in the neck.
— Mohammad Hussain (@MohammadHussain) December 19, 2020
Nailed it, guy. In my house, it’s Pillsbury cinnamon buns. The idea of someone daring to request an alternate makes me feel stabby.
Observation 3: You can buy yourself a gift but you can’t stuff your own stocking.
I don’t understand this one but I told my roommate I bought stuff for my stocking and they said that’s not a thing.
I don’t care. I bought myself mint chapstick and I will fake surprise.
— Mohammad Hussain (@MohammadHussain) December 19, 2020
Mohammad should count himself lucky that he has such thoughtful roommates- I suspect there are many women whose *roommates (*HUSBANDS) didn’t think of stuffing their wife’s stocking even though she stuffed HIS stocking, and all of the kids’ stockings, and the cat’s stocking.
(Thankfully, my husband now prescribes to Mohammad’s Observation #2… after what we shall refer to as the “Awkward Empty Stocking Incident of 2006”.)
Observation 4: Your gift budget does not matter.
You can set this budget as high as you want but the perfect gift will always be $10 too expensive. There is no winning. Just give up.
— Mohammad Hussain (@MohammadHussain) December 19, 2020
PREACH! While we try to stick to a budget, life happens.
(So does paying astronomical one-day shipping fees because your “roommate” neglected to mention that he forgot to buy his mom a gift… which is known as the “$42 In Shipping?!!” fiasco of 2012.)
Observation 5: There are two streams of Christmas ornaments. The “fillers” and the “keepers”.
The fillers are the generic ones. The keepers are meant to be more special and unique. This second stream is stored in your family’s reliquary to be one day passed on to the children.
— Mohammad Hussain (@MohammadHussain) December 19, 2020
So true! The “fillers” are on the bottom of the tree, where toddlers & pets roam. The valuable stuff? Up top.
Look, don’t touch, kiddos- one day you’ll be yelling at your own kids not to touch that Hallmark Snoopy ornament.
To get into the spirit of the season, Mohammad even bought his OWN special ornament: an appropriate homage to Christmas carbo-loading.
My roommates encouraged me to buy my own keeper ornament. They told me to find something that made me smile and that was special to me. I bought this one and I am very happy. It is an everything bagel. pic.twitter.com/dbrTZQzK47
— Mohammad Hussain (@MohammadHussain) December 19, 2020
(You had me at bagel, Mohammad.)
That everything bagel didn’t come cheap… which is his next observation:
Observation 6: ORNAMENTS ARE EXPENSIVE.
That cost me $15.99. That’s more than three everything bagels. I am furious. For what it cost, you best believe that I am insisting that it be passed on to my great grandchildren. If they break it I will haunt them.
— Mohammad Hussain (@MohammadHussain) December 19, 2020
TRUTH! He nailed this one. Ornaments ARE expensive.
And that pricey glitter bagel must always be at the top of the tree. Those cheaper lower tree branch ornaments are the unsung heroes of the Christmas season- sacrificed in the paws of pets & small children.
Observation 7: The religious aspect of Christmas is optional.
I really like this one. If I was to suggest having a secular Ramadan to my mother she would have a heart attack. I will however be trying to get my family to do a Secret Santa for Eid. The name’s being workshopped.
— Mohammad Hussain (@MohammadHussain) December 19, 2020
It can get muddy trying to blend the whole “Jesus is the reason for the season” with “Santa Claus is coming to town”.
(And don’t even get me started on the Elf On The Shelf’s weird house-creeping ways.)
Observation 8: You need a “menu”.
Yeah… This one is where they lost me. Last Christmas my family ordered Popeyes and watched a movie. My roommate has an entire menu with wine pairings and desserts planned.
— Mohammad Hussain (@MohammadHussain) December 19, 2020
What’s Christmas Eve/Day without copious amounts of calories?? And WINE.
Despite enjoying his first Christmas, Mohammad’s viral Twitter observations about the season are not only amusing, but accurate AF.
He gives well-deserved props to harried holiday preppers everywhere:
To wrap things up I want to applaud longtime Christmas celebrators. This is a lot of work and very tiring.
I will say I am having a very pleasant time. I am learning that I enjoy Christmas music and gift purchasing. I am also learning that I do not enjoy peppermint.
— Mohammad Hussain (@MohammadHussain) December 19, 2020
Many of us are jaded by the predictably arduous process of preparing for Christmas, but it’s fun to see the experience through a set of fresh eyes. With three days until Christmas, Mohammad is right- let’s applaud the “longtime Christmas celebrators” that kick ass in making the holiday magic happen!