Yesterday my youngest son told me he didn’t want to talk to me about a problem he was having with a friend – he only wanted to talk to his stepmother. I was upset and I took it out on him by ignoring him.
Yesterday I fought with my ex-husband for several hours over insignificant factors that could have easily been fixed with better communication and empathy on both sides.
Yesterday I worked from home….in my bed. I cried many times, gave myself a headache, made myself nauseous, and wanted to just hide under my covers with my dogs.
Yesterday I screwed up dinner, accidently ate dairy, spent too much money on makeup I never use, and broke my favorite coffee mug. I have no idea which coffee mug to use during my LIVES now and its miniscule, but it sucked.
Yesterday, I crawled out of my feelings and said to hell with all this crap.
I showered for a really long time and used pretty smelling new lotion – for no reason but to impress myself. I sat my son down and had a talk about how it’s ok if he doesn’t want to talk to me – as long as he makes the choice to talk to SOMEONE when he has a problem.
Yesterday my son told me he loved me and he hugged me and said he never wanted me to be sad.
I assured him I could never be sad when he always makes such good choices, but that I am his mother and I am always going to be here for him and hope he chooses me as someone he can go to.
Good, bad, ugly, and awesome he can come to me with anything.
Yesterday I put all of my computers away, didn’t clean my kitchen, didn’t work on my writing, poured myself a gluten free cocktail (they aren’t so bad!), turned on episode 1 of Schitts Creek, and hung out with my kids and laughed like crazy.
I crawled out of my feelings and made it through a rough day by realizing I can’t win them all, but I can still just BE there.
Yesterday I wasn’t the best mom when the day started. I didn’t even feel like the best PERSON most of the day. But I flipped the switch that all mothers come equipped with and I turned on my “everything is fine and we all love each other damn it!” attitude, and I made it until bedtime.
Today I woke up ready to try again. Because as a mom, that’s all you can do.
Mess up, then try again. I put my new makeup to good use, packed myself nothing but snacks for lunch, drank coffee out of a different, stupid coffee mug, and drove to work in the sunshine.
Today I am determined.
I am determined to just keep going and keep learning from all the things I do wrong. I am determined to educate my own self so I can keep helping others.
I am determined to make sure my boys never feel like they are going to be punished for wanting to talk with someone other than their mother. As long as they TALK.
Today I am determined. My face shows it, my body feels it, and my mind is ready for it. Because I think I’m doing ok….. for today.
This post originally appeared on the author’s Facebook page.