For any parent that has recently endured the fresh hell that was homeschooling these past few months, September can’t come soon enough. If schools do actually reopen, however, the new social distancing measures will make it a very unusual year!
Although the CDC has recently released their suggested guidelines for the upcoming school year, there’s still a lot of uncertainty as to how that will actually play out in elementary schools across the country in the fall.
One of the biggest questions on everyone’s minds is: will kids be expected to wear masks in school all day?
One mom’s hilarious response to that suggestion has gone viral because every parent everywhere knows all too well what kids wearing masks in school would REALLY look like.
Kevin Bergquist of Bradenton, FL posted on Facebook that his local school district was currently debating if kids should be required to wear masks in the building during the school day. Kevin’s wife then posed the query to her fellow community members.
And like many of us, mom Lori Wenthe Crick knows exactly what kind of shenanigans would ensue if kids are expected to wear masks in school.
If you’ve witnessed the average elementary school video conference meeting on Zoom or Google Meets, then you already know that most teacher have the patience of saints to do what they do.
Now imagine these poor folk having to contest with mask etiquette, all.day.long, with a population that’s generally NOT known for it’s sense of etiquette… or for any kind of sanitary upkeep, really.
Here’s an all-too-realistic snippet of what teachers would end up repeating like a mantra:
Please do not chew on your mask.
Your mask should be on your face, not on the back of your head.
Yup. Instead of chewing on pencils, kids would have a mask readily accessible- if it wasn’t already on the back of their head, of course.
I’m sorry your mask is wet, but that’s what happens when you lick the inside of it.
Unless they’re licking them, because KIDS.
Your mask is not a necklace, bracelet, or any other form of jewelry.
(Though we’re talking elementary school, this is totally a jr. high/high school thing, too. you just KNOW there would be “cool” masks, “nerd” masks, “jock” masks, etc. And before you know it, your kid will be begging you for $150 to buy the latest Abercrombie mask.)
I’m sorry, but your mask is not school appropriate.
You just KNOW this is going to happen. And chances are, your kid swiped YOUR mask with the inappropriately hilarious saying that you found on Ebay & tried wearing it school. Damn kids!
And then of course, there are the practical sanitary concerns. Kids tend to be their own little germ factories; if masks could be a potential breeding ground for germs, then a kid mask is the Woodstock of germ grossness.
I’m sorry you sneezed. Here’s a tissue. Wipe out the snot as well as you can.
Blech. A powerful -and unfortunately, very familiar- mental image.
No, you may not blow your nose in your mask.
Why is your mask soaking wet? You just came back from the bathroom?
Is that water, or pee? Is it pee? Oh, “just” toilet water? Cool.
And you put it back on your face after you dropped it?
Sounds about right…
Then of course there’s all the creative ways that kids can manhandle masks, and the methods are infinite.
I’m sorry you broke the elastic on your mask by seeing how far the band would stretch. Now you’ll have to hold the mask on your face … or use this duct tape.
How far can a mask’s elastic band stretch without snapp- OOPS. Not that far, apparently:
Please don’t snap Billy’s mask in his face.
(But far enough to snap Billy’s face, of course. Now they’re not just PPE- masks are impromptu weapons. Super.)
And they’ll likely stretch far enough for THIS to happen at least once everyday, because kids are kids and life finds a way:
I’m sorry you tripped, but that’s what happens when you put your feet inside the elastic of your mask.
Although, perhaps the masks will serve a good purpose- they may discourage kids from putting non-food items into their mouths…
No, you cannot eat the snow through your mask.
Or maybe not.
What do you mean you tried to eat your lunch through your mask?
Your Mom will need to get you a new mask since you chewed a hole in that one.
If fully-grown adults are walking around with “mouth holes” cut right into the middle of their masks, can we really expect kids not to eat through them.. or EAT THEM??
Please take those cookies out of your mask. No, you are not a chipmunk.
(Or eating INSIDE them. Clever, kid. CLEVER.)
While face masks for kids may be deemed an essential part of safety in terms of re-opening schools in the fall, both parents & teachers already know the incessant mask fuckery that will ensue.
Nobody really knows exactly what the fall will like look, but there are two certainties: 1)- no one wants to homeschool their kids for another year. NO ONE. And 2)- Teachers will absolutely be forced to deal with mask tomfoolery day in and day out, which only confirms that teachers are truly saints who deserve hazard pay for having to deal with snot-drenched masks and duct tape all day.
Local school board is deciding whether or not to make kids wear masks at school. Wifey shared it and asked what people…