Stay at home mom depression.
The elephant in the room nobody talks about. I mean, how DARE you complain after being gifted this opportunity to stay at home and raise YOUR own kids?
But, it’s not that simple.
Of course we SAHM’s are being grateful to stay home and raise our young BUT that it’s literally all we become.
No one talks about the isolation. No one talks about the loss of identity. No one talks about the loneliness. No one talks about losing your sense of self. No one talks about how you had to give up your career because it’s cheaper for you to stay home.
No one talks about how you cry in the shower because your day was overwhelming.
No one understands WHY YOU’RE SO TIRED. No one understands why you’re irritable. No one understands why you need a mental break. No one understands why YOU’RE SO AGGREVATED WITH YOUR KIDS.
No one understands why after you’ve been home all day, the house is a wreck still.
No one understands why you just need 5 minutes with no one speaking to or touching you. No one understands why you’ve LOST YOUR SEX DRIVE. No one understands why you’re completely & utterly exhausted, after all, you just sit at home all day?
No one understands the feeling you have when you are told you don’t have a “real job”.
Most of us were WORKING WOMEN at one point. We got to go to a job and interact with other adults outside our home. We contributed financially to our household. (Shoot, most of us want some kind of side hustle or part time job because it would sure help with financial relief)
We didn’t feel like an endless maid. We got that break away (even though yes, work is a love/ hate relationship) that gives you space from the people you live with (children, spouse… Etc) because yes, EVERY relationship needs time away in it to not go crazy being around each other 24/7. That’s not healthy. Contrary to popular belief, you. need. a. break. daily.
I can’t tell you how many women I meet or know that say
“oh, you have to much time on your hands”
“I sure wish I could stay home, I wouldn’t complain, good for you!”
I can guarantee you will change your mind 6 months in, unless you’re wealthy and have money to constantly go do things. I once was you. I wished upon a star I could stay home with my kids because I wanted to spend all the time I could. I didn’t realize what all came with being a stay at home mom.
Oh but YOU chose to have those kids. YOU should’ve thought about that before having them.
If you didn’t want to go through all this YOU should’ve never had kids & YOU said you want more? Seriously…. Yup, heard those all before.
Next time you hear or see a STAY AT HOME MOM venting her frustrations, listen and make her feel like she’s somebody. That her struggles are not invalid. You know just because she doesn’t have a “real job.”
This post originally appeared on Momma’s Tired Facebook Page
Stay at home mom (SAHM) depression…. The elephant in the room nobody talks about ??I mean, how DARE you complain…
Posted by Momma's Tired on Wednesday, April 4, 2018
You took the words right out of my mouth. I’ve been a SAHM for 9 uears and I feel the same way. You are not alone. Thank you for sharing
Hi Megan,
Thank you for this article. I can across it through thatsinappropriate.
I have only been a SAHM for a couple months now. We have four kids and one of them has some heavy mental disabilities. I have worked 50 hours a week and honestly became a robot. But what changed that was her disabilities becoming increasingly difficult. I knew she needed me home. I knew she needed less rushing, yelling, chaotic mornings. Everyone did!
I realized that my career could not continue. I was making great money and I was so good at what I did. However, family comes first.
I had some pretty grand ideas when thinking about being a SAHM. I now realize it was a fantasy. I now realize how isolating it feels to be a SAHM. I’m used to isolation having a special needs child, but this is much MORE! It’s isolating and makes me feel worthless.
I was hopeful that these feelings would go away once I get used to my new SAHM life. Now I’m not so sure. But it’s what has to be done for the greater good of the family.
I think it’s compounded by the fact that Christmas is fast approaching and we have nothing to give our kids. Our daughters disability won’t kick in for awhile and it feels like the walls are crumbling around us. We are behind on all our bills. But again… it’s a necessity and she doesn’t qualify for benefits when I’m working……
Anyways, it’s so nice to know that I am not alone in this feeling. I constantly get asked “how much are you loving be a SAHM?”
Nobody wants to hear the truth. But you have written it beautifully. Thank you.
Ps. Sorry for my ramble but thank you for giving me an outlet to ramble
Charlene- I know exactly how you feel!!! I too was working 50+ hours per week had it all (so I thought) had a girl & a boy and husband. Shortly after my son Was diagnosed with autism & intellectual disability my husband & I divorced after being together for 17+ years. As he stayed at home and my son was kicked out of all daycare programs as a now single mom of a special needs child I had no choice but to stay home – ironic because I always had these dreams of being a SAHM but reality is so different & I am in dark depression staying home and isn’t anything like I had dreamed of, I wish there was a way to get out of this dark hole. I’ve even asked my doctor for help to no avail definitely been feeling alone & now I just isolate myself on purpose & just am not functional as a normal human being, heck most days I don’t even bother getting dressed. Definitely hardest job I’ve ever had hands down is being a stay at home momma. Good luck to you
Meds is a good answer to the depression and it might just be temporary. Prozac and Effexir helped me a lot. I to got a divorce after 17 years of marriage. Autism is tough on everyone but as my son got older it got easier. I had my son more than my husband which was okay with me but it helped sharing custody, it gave me time to balance my life and once that happened it was wonderful and the time I spent with my son was beautiful and i always looked forward to seeing him and not looking forward to him leaving to go back with his father. The love we have for our children hurts sometimes especially when people don’t see or even realize the struggles we go through. Being a mom never stops and that’s the point. You are important and you do have a full time job. I know it because I lived it even in my marriage. He had his own business and I took care of everything including his books. The only thing he had to do was walk in and dinner was on his plate. I’m going to change the subject now a question I would like to ask you ” have you tried the regional center?”. They can help you and give you some advice on help for your son and have someone come into your home and help you with him. Just a thought it might help with your depression having another adult around not only that its time you can get stuff you need to get done while someone is working with your son. Good luck with all. Sincerely, Bonnie Steffes
Girl
Dont give up hope just yet. Dont let one article that says you will always be depressed convince you that is your fate as a stay at home mom. When the children are younger its harder but Ive had some of my most fulfilling experiences as a woman spending time adventuring with my children.
I wish that they would change the title to Stay at Home parents bc it equally applies to SAHD’s. Every point on their is equally applicable. I know first hand…
Dustin, I completely agree; as my husband definitely takes the lead at home while I go to work full time. You stay at SAHD’s need to be recognized and appreciated just like all those awesome SAHM.
Dustin, I completely agree; as my husband definitely takes the lead at home while I go to work full time. You stay at SAHD’s need to be recognized and appreciated just like all those awesome SAHM.
Thank you so much for this! I’m a SAHM to an 8mo. 6 & 11 yr old girls. Once my 6yr old was ready for KG, i was ready to finish school and go get a job (finally!) but 2 weeks after I got us registered for schools i found out #3 was in the works. As much as I love my girls (even the tween most days), I was really looking forward to being a working adult again. But alas I’m home at least until baby can talk because I’m so afraid to leave her with a daycare (thanks FB & News). Anyways, I struggle daily with wanting to do everything yet wanting to do nothing also because all I do is clean and nurse. And if i do get out of the house, it’s to go grocery shopping and I always seem to hit Senior citizen day so I’m dodging electric carts and they get mean if you grab something on sale they are eyeing to clear the shelf of ? or they swarm your cart to oogle the baby.
I’m in tears. I wasn’t supposed to be at home. I told my husband (second husband) I would never stay at home again. I wouldn’t put my boys and I in the situation we were in when my ex (their dad) decided to move in and I had been a stay at home. We had no money , we Saturday with my mom for two years. I would always work. Well….my sister needed someone to help her (PTSD) so that started the snowball. When she no longer needed me, it turned into me taking care of our four boys…yes folks FOUR BOYS! It was easier since my bonus guys mom worked and my husband did….I could take them to school and make sure someone was available . Now 5 years later my youngest is cyber schooled and we are home all day. I am a social butterfly….not now. I feel so shut off. I work with my son, I work on our house (we are finishing up a huge renovation) . It Hurts my soul somedays. I’m blessed beyond measure. I never have enough time to get it all done. Boys, school, cleaning, renovating, doctor’s, appointments…. I’m relieved /not relieved to know I’m not alone. Thank yiu
This moved me to tears! ? We has a surprise baby 13 years into our marriage. I was a Preschool Teacher and didn’t even make enough to cover daycare where I worked! I became a SAHM due to finances. Now I Homeschool my 10yr old daughter. Just two weeks ago, my BROTHER, who’s been a dad for a whole 2.5 MONTHS, said, “If you really want to ‘be tired’, get a job! I have to get up at 5am every day!” Uuuuum, I should have told him I NEVER get to “clock off”….oooooo impressive, you punch a clock Monday-Friday!…moms are ALWAYS on the clock, even on vacation or when someone babysits for a couple hours…instead, I choked back tears. The moment I became a SAHM he lost respect for me. Maybe fatherhood will humble him. Thank you for this blog!!! I needed it desperately. ?
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU so much for this!
I can definitely relate to this article. Thank you for letting me know. I’m bot the only stay at home mom going through these times.
Oh. I was there dor many years. How can I help/mentor/support
And the worst part is this article isn’t even the tip of the iceberg…
It really isn’t..
Hey Megan!
I just wanted say we have so much in common! It kind of freaked me out reading about you because I literally felt like I was reading my own story.
I’m a mom of four boys as well, I also worked full time with my first two, then became a full time STAHM with my youngest 2 (twins). I am so burnt out and experiencing the guilt and depression that goes along with it. I have been trying to find a job recently and knowing all to well that that’s not necessarily going to fix anything. Momming is hard! It’s good to know that I’m not alone. Thank you for blogging.
Thank you for saying everything you have here, because people truly do not understand. I love my children, I am grateful that I am home, but it was not by choice. When I had my children, everyone spoke about day care assistance, it’s just lazy people who don’t get it, you just have to apply for it properly. That is FALSE. VERY false. I have not worked in 3.5yrs, and then people say well, if you really wanted to work, apply for the aid…THERE IS NO AID. There would be if I was a single mom or our household made under 40k combined per year before any deductions, but two parents working fulltime make more than that, so literally no two adult household can get help? So, alternative, I pay my entire paycheck for a daycare. Okay, sounds reasonable, at least I will get out, right? OH WAIT. I lose ALL tax credits that my family relies on, since I can’t bring in an income. Why don’t you just babysit? Well, sure, I’m not overwhelmed already between all the school activities, Dr’s appointments, field trips, and just basic day to day survival like grocery shopping, clothes shopping (for the kids, because I haven’t done “me” clothes shopping since before my first was born…10 years ago), picking up prescriptions, making appointments, cooking meals (because, since I’m a SAHM, I should make dinners that take at least 4hrs to make!), laundry, tidying, dishes, cleaning up filthy kid rooms. Why not just get a maid to help if it’s so hard? Please scroll back to needing those tax credits, we don’t have a ton of money laying around for maids, if we did, I’d be able to go to work, since we could afford child care.
NO ONE TELLS US THIS. It’s a horrible cycle.
“Go to a mommy group” there aren’t any in my area.
“Maybe you should seek medical help…”, yes, me and all the other moms who meet at the bus stop for social time should all figure that out one day.
“MAybe you shouldn’t have had four kids…”, well, to be honest, the first three weren’t planned, and when I remarried, I didn’t think it should be a horrible thing to want a child together…didn’t you have kids with your husband? Yeah? Well…I’d assume you’d understand my point then.
The list is endless, I think it is wonderful that families can afford for mom to work. I TRULY do. I think it’s WONDERFUL to have women in high paid and respected jobs. I want my daughter’s to be like you! High powered women are shaping the world!
For me, though, I’ll be at home, being told to smile and be happy, alone, me against the world. Every single day. And when I break down maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow night, maybe next week in the shower, alone, to let it all out, I’ll wait for the judgement because I finally cracked, under the weight of the entire world.
I hope things improve for you. I was fortunate enough to be able to go back to work. I’m not getting ahead, but I have a bit of sanity back. No one is judging you. I admire you doing what needs to be done and I’m sorry you’re between a rock and a hard place. I see you. You are a hero. And I firmly believe, you will be rewarded for your effort. Be gentle with yourself. I never post comments, but I felt compelled. Your children are very lucky to have such a strong, loving and hard working Mom. You will feel like yourself again.
Wow! Thank you…every word you wrote is my life as well.
I am certainly Thankful to be the one to raise my children…absolutely BUT it’s certainly only for “hopefully” their well being because there is definitely no job in this world that requires so much work, dedication, love and compassion that is not compensated for. We all hope that one day the ridiculous sacrifices that were made for their well being will be appreciated.
Megan,
Thank you for putting your feelings to “paper” and sharing them with the world. I gave up a career that made me the breadwinner with our first, worked full time with our second, then quit my career again for numbers three and four (twins), went back to school for a year for a certification, and then number five rolled in (literally he is confined to a wheelchair for cerebral palsy), and I tried part time work but missed my kids too much. Now I’m home and depression and anxiety started almost immediately, followed by the onset of a chronic illness. Everyday I feel like the looser mom who can’t accomplish what needs to get done even though I “have all that time on my hands “. Hubby comes home and there are days I’m lying down and dinner hasn’t been started and the arguments begin. This article shows me I’m not alone. Thank you so much for showing the truth to others who think we’re in it for a break.
Thank you so much for writing this it hit the nail on the head perfectly. I am a stay at home mom with a 11 year old daughter.
Im 23 i have 3 children ages 5.5 and 3.5 and neally 12m old all girls im always home my partner works as a removalist leaves by 6am most mornings an dont get home till late maybe after dinner or 9pm sometimes and even goes away for work over night some days of the week i have no friends i have my mum that visits for a little bit every few days and my brother once a fortnight other then that no visitors and i dnt have a licence so no transport until the weekend we do food shopping and that is the only time we leave house, i hate having no one to talk too and no one to chill with or visit im planning to get my licence so i can leave to go somewhere my oldest is starting kindy so i only got 2 too look after but they are the hardest ones my 3.5yr old is the worst because she doesnt listen, shes messy she backc chats wont pick mess up and is always fighting i hate it because my kids are lonely too having no friends or anyone too visit us its so slack considering most of the family lives in the same town wagga and all have kids but we never ever get a visit or phonecall ????????
Thank you so much for this article! My daughter was born March 2017, I’ve been a sahm since she was born until I recently started working for my stepdad with the flexibility to take her to work with me or leave her with her great grandma or grandma. When she was 4 months, I was desperate for some kind of interaction. My fiancee isn’t much of a talker when he’s home in the evenings. So I signed her up for parent/child gymnastics. It was a real life saver. Having other moms to talk to was wonderful especially because their babies are all the same age as mine so we all could relate to each other. A year and a half later, shes still in gymnastics and we still love it and our friends that we’ve made at The Little Gym!
Let’s put a different perspective. Let’s say your ex runs off with the kids, and gets by. You see them once before they are grown, and they where kidnapped at 3 and 6. Now, you have another one. All of a sudden all of the frustrations, depression, wishing you wheren’t stuck, seems petty. You have a baby. I get tired etc, but I will never complain, never wish I wasn’t stuck..etc. you get the picture. When you’re having negative thoughts thank God for your children. Thankfulness melts everything else away. You’ll get through with a totally different view.
Finally somebody said it. This article seemed to stir the pot of misery for moms not really help. How about some actual solutions. I’ve been a SAHM for 16 years and had my own business too for 10 of those years. I would rather stay home and raise them myself than put them in daycare or public school so a stranger can raise them. I suggest 2 things. 1.quit trying to do “all the things!” Who says you have to do all this meaningless stuff that society pressures us to do? 2. Being a SAHM is a Journey not a race. Perfection is not your goal, and having a relationship with Jesus and attending a local church can save your life and give you life.
I needed this article. Thank you.
This article is useless. What are you trying to accomplish in this? Ok, stay at home mothers can feel depressed too. Got it…how about working mothers that only want to be stay at home mothers so they don’t have to deal with picking kids up from daycare, hurrying home to make dinner, bathing the kids and putting them to sleep all in the space of two hours? Wouldn’t that be depressing? If you are a working mother you feel guilty for not staying home and that makes you sad and depressed that you don’t get that time with your kids during their adolescence. If you are a stay at home mother you feel unnoticed and alone, but guilty that you might be taking the opportunity for granted. Guess what? Most every mom has it hard, in whatever situation their in. Let’s stop talking about who has it hardest and just try to lift each other up and give the resources needed to overcome depression to those that need it.
Oh dear you really didn’t get it
[…] Depression as a mom is not something that I think the world talks about often enough. Sure, post-partum or baby blues is something talked about. But mom’s can also suffer from just depression. […]
Great article and totally relatable. But… The pink pull quote should read ‘ too’ much time on your hands, not ‘to’.
I really needed this article.
Love this! I’m 15 yrs in as my husband is away on work a lot.
This isn’t about you Tia. Get it!
I’ve been a stay at home mom for 8 years and this really hit me because it is how I feel and what I hear all the time or some people say “oh it must be nice to get to relax” trust me I dont sit at all. I get so depressed because I feel useless at times and I feel nobody appreciates what I do so it is hard being a stay at home mom.
I truly believe that this is the most difficult job in the world, the most rewarding but most difficult. I am blessed to have such a wonderful wife who is a SAHM. Our children are much better off having Mommy at home with them. My wife and I talk many times, she is college educated with a 2 degrees, and sometimes feels like she is wasting her education. I try to comfort her the best that I can. I know that she will look back on this time and be grateful that she was able to be a SAHM, but in the moment it is difficult. I try to put myself in her place, I love my children with all my heart but I know I would not be able to stay home everyday with them. My wife have such patience and love for our kiddos, what a wonderful gift from God she is to our family.
Just tell her this often and she’ll be a ok.
What hurts most when it’s your spouse doing this to you but he is currently incarcerated!
I am a SAHM with 8 children 6ofthem attend school 1 graduated and 1 is 9 months it is never a dull moment here in my home.oh might i add i have ALL GIRLS ! Thank you for posting
Its true thank you for this article I wanted to break down, I ve been living w SAHM for more than 9 yrs now On and off with working because of financial situation I had to work but my significant other just proves to be i cant even count on him for that kind of support w the kids( even w babysitting) to feel alone in your own house because they believe I have it easy. To have other tell you “u be fine, stop complaining” or keep ur s**t together… and to have a have a slice of peace its close to imposible. Sorry for the rambling it just sucks really
Hello I am in a really bad place am stuck and afraid I cant even think straight anymore my depresion has gotten so bad my husban is not help just make it worse i am trully alone w nowhere/no one to go 2 I have 3 beautiful boys wich i love to death if it wasnt for them i would not be here, wtf i am gonna do i am truly lost