With the rise in popularity of clean eating, it seems like everyone is jumping aboard the gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free bandwagon. And while this may be good for the body, it’s bad for the sweet tooth.
This is why, when Haribo, America’s #1 selling Gummi Bear company brought out their SUGAR-FREE gummy bears, people couldn’t wait to get their hands on the gastronomic delights they had been craving.
They should have waited. For, like, ever.
The bears promised to be the “perfect snack.” After all, they were free of the big 5 villains of the food world – sugar, dairy, gluten, fat, and nuts. So what that they came with a warning label that reads:
Consumption of some sugar-free candies may cause stomach discomfort and/or a laxative effect. Individual tolerance will vary. If this is the first time you’ve tried these candies, we recommend beginning with one-fourth of a serving size or less.
They were CANDIES and they were SUGAR-FREE! Win-win.
However, soon after they came to market, people started to discover that there were some, um, adverse side effects. The gummies erred less on the gastronomic end of the scale and more on the gastrointestinal end. Rather than cleansing the palate, they cleansed the colon. In rather a nasty and explosive way.
And thanks to the power that is Amazon.com, word soon got out.
People began posting reviews. They used words like “Satan Bears,” and “Devil Gummies!!” and “Death.”
People used “flowing” language to describe their experiences. Words like “diarrhea cascade” and “hot molten lava.”
Others just used a whole lotta language. Likely because they had a lot of time on their hands. Just sitting and shitting. Forever and ever. Like poor Joshua here, writing a novella at 4 am…
But Joshua would soon beg for the cramping of 1,000 crunches over what was to happen next. Because those itty bitty bears? Were about to unleash a fecal fiasco of epic proportions.
However Joshua isn’t the only one who likened it to a massacre. Oh no. Erin compared it to a nuclear bomb topped off with an enema.
And lest you think people are exaggerating their crappy claims, she assures you “It’s all true…all of it.” And she would know. She paid a heavy price for the promise of sugar-free, a piece of her very soul.
One man even claimed, “I have seen the face of God,” after being brutally attacked within an inch of his life by 5 small gummy bears.
Speaking of God…Holy Mother of God.
And when these demon gummies team up with good ol’ Montezuma? Hell hath no fury like a gummy bear seeking revenge, apparently. Hello Gastrointestinal Armageddon.
Some say it’s even a fate worse than death. Beyond awful. It kills the lowly creatures, turns locals into refugees, and leaves you abandoned, to suffer in the rancid stank of your own making. Like TechWhiz:
…The stench quickly overcame the exhaust fan, passive air freshener, aerosol spray, and tightly closed door. It was beyond awful. In an effort to save others in the house from a fate worse than death, I even risked waddling to the door between liquid explosions to stuff a dampened towel to futilely seal the gap.
Several spiders which had made their home unnoticed in the exhaust fan housing dropped down stone cold dead. Doors slammed as my wife and children instantly became refugees instantly grabbing hats and coats and fled seeking breathable air elsewhere. I was abandoned and left alone to suffer my fate. The peculiar and noxious smell is putrid and penetrating. It is worse than burnt hair.
And for one man? He just begged, “Rapture me, please lord.” Release him from the misery of “decomposed zombie gummy bear s***” that has turned his “ass into a to-scale model of Mt.St.Helens, violently spewing what smells like a public bus filled with homeless people with fresh perms, in Mexico City”.
And whose last hope “is that the force of gas propelling from my anus may be strong enough to disturb Satan himself in hell. And that he is so angered by this that he sends an entire fleet of brave minions to come up through the toilet and put me out of my misery.” Amen.
But it’s not all bad. There is an upside to the untold agony of having your insides ripped clean out of your body by satanic squishy bears. Or more accurately, the insides of others. I mean, really, what better way is there to stop your co-workers from stealing your lunch?
After all, they say that revenge is sweet.
But just make certain that you only give them to someone that you really hate. Because according to this reviewer, it’s beyond anything you could ever possibly imagine.
Then came the, uh, flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd, the sounds, like trumpets calling the demons back to Hell…the stench, like 1,000 rotten corpses vomited. I couldn’t stand to stay in one room for fear of succumbing to my own odors.
But wait; there’s more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters were screaming.
It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw projectile vomiting a torrential flood of toxic waste. 100% liquid. Flammable liquid. NAPALM. It was actually a bit humorous (for a nanosecond)as it was just beyond anything I could imagine possible.
Even with all of the negative reviews, Haribo Sugar-Free Gummi Bears still managed to garner a 3.5-star rating out 5. Not bad for a product that is literally the shits.