For those expecting their first child, the intricacies of parenting can seem intimidating. The different stages of child-rearing require the ability to adapt quickly to the ever-shifting demands of parenthood, while still maintaining your sanity (or trying to, anyway).
The best resource for learning how to raise kids is those already in the trenches. Experienced parents have learned through experience the helpful hacks & shortcuts that make parenting more manageable, and are only too happy to pass on that practical knowledge.
So have no fear, newbies, because the veteran parents of Twitter are here with plenty of expert “pro tips” to help you navigate the treacherous waters of parenting!
- You’ll survive your child’s toddler stage, but your couch might not.
Parenting tip: No good ever comes from a toddler sitting naked on the couch.
— Sara (@smilely_gal) December 16, 2015
2. Juice = urine. Tons of urine. It’s science.
Parenting Tip: 1 cup of juice equals 4 gallons of piss in the bed
— Etobicoke Ernie (@EtobicokeErnie) October 23, 2016
3. Toddlers LIE. Almost as much as they pee, which is a lot (see above).
Parenting Pro Tip: Never take a toddler's word for it
— Dad and Buried (@DadandBuried) June 21, 2014
4. A great way to handle the Tooth Fairy task. It’s cheaper, too.
Pro parenting tip: Ensure your kids have a piggy bank that they put cash in. That way, when you forget cash for the Tooth Fairy, you always have some handy.
— Lindsey Silver (@EvenTheDogsABoy) June 16, 2018
5. I’m only reading half of Green Eggs And Ham, Sam I Am.
Your child will have no idea if you skip half of the words in The Cat in the Hat.
— TheFraidyLady? (@thebabylady7) August 17, 2018
6. Parenting: just say NO (Or “we’ll see”, but never “maybe”).
Parenting tip: Never say maybe. THEY HEAR YES people…THEY HEAR YES!
— Jennifer Lizza (@outsmartedmommy) October 5, 2016
7. Be careful what toys & games you buy your kids- it could come back to haunt YOU.
Parenting Tip: Whatever you buy your kids for the holidays, remember that YOU will also be forced to play with it.
— Toni Hammer (@realtonihammer) November 8, 2017
8. See?? Some kids’ games can be painful. So can school snow days.
Parent pro tip: If the school calls a snow day the night before, don't open your big mouth.
I'm stuck in a never-ending game of Monopoly.
— Julie Burton (@ksujulie) January 13, 2017
9. A great way to avoid play with your kid is to make another kid to play with him/her.
Parenting tip for people with more than one kid: if you ignore them, they're forced to play with each other.
— Lauren Mullen (@DraggingFeeties) December 12, 2017
10. In fact, the best thing to do is avoid fun altogether- best not chance it.
Parenting Tip: Never do anything fun with your kids ever. They will never stop bothering you about wanting to do it again.
— Abe Yospe (@Cheeseboy22) February 8, 2018
11. Mealtime with kids is an ideal time to deal with disappointment, especially when they see the veggies.
pro parent tip: switch your kids tator tots with cauliflower tots. when they find out what you’ve done they’ll be disappointed. it’s never too early to teach them about disappointment.
— Oops!…I Dad It Again (@NewDadNotes) August 28, 2018
12. Need parent downtime? Ask kids to clean, & watch them scatter instantly.
Parenting tip: Ask your kids to clean their room so they will play quietly together for an hour to avoid cleaning their room. Now you can watch GoT.
— MamaByFire (@mamabyfire) September 30, 2017
13. …but regaining your kid’s attention is also really easy!
A little parenting tip: If you don't know where your children are in the house… Turn off the internet and watch them magically appear.
— J. Jewels (@realjjewels) September 20, 2016
14. Parenting requires you to explain complicated stuff.
Parenting Tip: "It's magic!" is a perfectly valid response when your child asks you to explain something you don't understand.
— TheAlexNevilSpooky (@TheAlexNevil) September 17, 2016
15. Kids may pretend that THEY know everything, but ask them to find their shoes…
Parent Pro Tip: When you tell your child to do something & they fire back with, "I KNOWWW!" just know that they don't know anything.
— Sarcastic Mommy (@sarcasticmommy4) February 22, 2018
16. Hell hath no fury like a child who finds their artwork in the trash.
Parenting Tip #7419:
Never get caught throwing away the random pieces of artwork from your kid.
— It'sReally10Months (@really10months) April 25, 2016
17. Most importantly, don’t worry about being a “cool parent”- the best ones aren’t.
Pro Tip: If the neighborhood kids think you're "the cool parent"…
You're probably a pretty crappy parent.
— Amish PornStar™ (@AmishPornStar1) January 21, 2016
So, don’t stress about being a pro parent. the truth is – we’re all just barely hanging on by a thread anyway.