Tonight we are having cereal for dinner.
In my defense, my husband started it.
He asked me what we were having.
Aaaand that was it.
That was all it took to break me.
That was all it took for me to lose my ish.
Because after another day of grappling with big, overwhelming, scary decisions, all it took for me to collapse into an anxiety-ridden puddle of emotions was a small one.
What are we having for dinner?
I do not know, my darling beloved.
I do not know anything anymore.
I do not have enough energy to care, and yet I care deeply, but really why bother caring at all because WHAT DOES IT MATTER ANYWAY?
I am so fed up with making decisions. I am so sick of weighing pros and cons.
I am so worn out from deciphering all the information being thrown at me, and so overwhelmed by making choices without adequate information.
We’ve known about this mental load that mothers carry for awhile now—that’s nothing new. We’ve lugged this weight around for eons. Even with helpful partners and strong support systems, too often it falls on moms to keep things running smoothly.
But one thing we didn’t bargain on was a global pandemic.
One thing we didn’t bargain on was being forced to choose between our jobs and our kids.
One thing we didn’t bargain on was being forced to choose between their safety and their education.
One thing we didn’t bargain on was being forced to choose between our sanity and their safety.
And so now we are flippin’ over it.
We are over weighing these lose/lose decisions where no one can win.
We are over imagining worst-case scenarios and how we will plan for them.
We are over trying to do risk assessments without all the facts.
We are over trying to anticipate a very uncertain and very unpredictable future.
And by the end of the day, our brains are so fried and our patience so zapped that we literally do not have it in us to make even
We are all suffering from decision fatigue, and it is a very real affliction. I’m honestly not sure if I’m going to make it.
So in case you were wondering . . .
That’s why we are having cereal for dinner tonight.