Kids are beautiful little miracles… most of the time. Sometimes they’re also nasty, germy little creatures. Parenthood often requires an acceptance of the loss of a significant amount of your former dignity, because raising kids can be dirty business.
Motherhood requires you to put on your big girl pants & deal with many disgusting scenarios.
Case in point: once my son began choking on pizza cheese, & he promptly threw up. In my haste to help him, I caught the vomit in my bare hands, slapped it onto my empty dinner plate, & patted his back to stop the coughing.
Order was quickly restored, and after ditching my defiled plate, I grabbed another slice. It’s called taking care of business, people!
(Well, for moms, anyway- I found my husband hiding in our bedroom with his slice of pizza, shuddering in disgust at my “catch”. Suck it up, dude!)
But then there are the times when it goes too far. You somehow find yourself unknowingly exposed to something so repulsive, so inexplicably, well, GROSS, that you are rendered speechless with disgust & horror.
One mom’s account of her daughter’s horrifying revelation AFTER giving her mom the rest of her ice cream cone is a hilariously disgusting cautionary tale about the perils of accepting food from kids.
The horror story begins with mom Sidney explaining that she bought her 4-year-old daughter Blakely a vanilla ice cream cone from McDonald’s. McDonald’s is notorious for their ice cream machines being out of service, & while most of the time that’s unfortunate, Sidney would have been spared this trauma had the machine not worked on this fateful day.
It was suspicious that her daughter was willing to offer her mom the majority of her cone to begin with, but kids can be weird like that. Scarfing down our kid’s food scraps is a common mom practice- we all do it.
We as moms pretty much live off of the food our kids don’t eat so I licked it before it dripped.
Been there, done that!
So the moment was normal…until it wasn’t.
As Sidney recounted, her daughter looked at her with a slightly alarmed expression:
I ask her: “what’s wrong?”
And she says: “Is it okay?!”
Ohhhhh boy. Nope. No good. If a kid is giving you their ice cream, that’s shady. But if a kid is asking you if the ice cream was ok -AFTER you’ve eaten some of it- that’s not only shady, but downright disturbing.
What could have happened to the ice cream? Did Blakely drop it? Was there a hair on it? Had it spoiled? Had a bug landed right onto it & burrowed its way deep into the sugary goodness?
(Once the truth is revealed, you’ll wish it was the bug…)
After they both gaze silently at the cone, the truth comes out.
And this fool says: “I accidentally wiped my butt with it”
Yes, the ice cream tastes like shit.
It was a vanilla ASS-cream cone.
While I wish there was video footage of Sidney’s undoubtedly priceless reaction to this disgusting revelation, I suspect it involved furious spitting, some gagging, falling to her knees in total horror, & a good measure of wailing, “WHY??? WHHHHHYYY???”
“How do you accidentally wipe your butt with an ice cream and WHY did you give it to me to eat????”
Sidney deserves props here, because despite the butt-infused vanilla violation that was just inflicted upon her, she had the presence of mind not to ask “why?” but instead asked, “How?”.
(Because with kids, there often isn’t a “why”. At least a “why” that makes any bit of sense to a rational human being, that is.)
And Blakely delivered. The real deal:
She looks me dead in my face and says “I used the wrong hand to wipe but it was just pee mommy”
That’s a kid for you, people. Why put your cone down when nature calls? Bring it on in to the potty, do your thing, & wipe with the right hand- oops, not that one. While booty-scented ice cream is not Blakely’s thing, sharing is caring, right?
Why not give it to MOM?? After all, it’s “just pee”, right?
Wow. Just wow. While Sidney is expected to physically recover from this horrific violation by:
washing my mouth out with Clorox,
the emotional scars will likely take far more time to recover from. Because trust was broken here, people. There’s no such thing as a free lunch, and DEFINTELY no such thing as a free ice cream cone from a 4-year-old without some sort of sneaky, shitty ulterior motive. Apparently.
While the old song claims that “we all scream for ice cream”, Sidney had another horrifying reason to scream after licking some of her daughter’s ice cream.
She bravely shared her story to spare countless others from suffering the same fate, & should be commended for her courage to go public with her poop-on-a-frozen-treat pain. #neveragain
Y’ALL!!!! I am DONE with these kids!! I learned a hard lesson today…one I wasn’t prepared for and I feel like I’ve…
Posted by Someone hold my beer. on Monday, August 12, 2019