I Thought I’d Have My Shit Figured Out By Now

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I just had possibly the best year of my career. It was a year I actually felt confident. And almost organized. I took the lead on some things and they actually went pretty well. I was kind of proud of myself.

Then I looked in the mirror. And those anxiety meds that helped me focus so well this past year had packed on a good 30 lbs.

I know I had asked for two meds to manage my working mom balancing act years ago but that did not mean I needed to feel like I doubled in size!

While I had been feeling like a rockstar at my job for a change, I had slacked off on the workout routine I had kept up with the past 2.5 years that had me down to within 10 lbs of pre 3 babies weight.

I allowed my growing children more freedom which allowed me not to have to rush out of work every day. Yet they seemed to oddly miss my presence and made me feel like I should be home more.

So while I was being my best career self,  I certainly wasn’t being my best healthy skinnier self.

Sadly I guess wasn’t my best mom self either. But that version of me comes and goes as many times in a day as my daughter changes outfits.

Then there’s the sexy wife version of me. I think I left her back in my college dorm somewhere.

And let’s not even go to housekeeping Joan Cleaver version of me. Three kids and three dogs that version of me is totally running in the other direction wondering WTF this me was thinking.

Here I am at 37 wondering why the hell can’t all the best parts of me coexist?

Why can’t I be good at my job (without anxiety meds that pack on 30 lbs), be the healthier skinny me, be a happy good mom, clean and organized housekeeper, and hell even go back and find that girl I left in college that loved sex and be her all at once.

How is it that I must be one version of me or another at various times but never at the same time? Why can’t all the best parts of me coexist?

I know this motherhood thing is a journey yet I’m kind of standing at a stand still here at mile 37, thinking I should go back to chase down all of those versions of me that I’ve been at various points on this journey and haul all their asses here to 37 with me.

Because damnit I want to be all those parts of her at once by 40. I thought I’d have my shit figured out by now. Not feel more lost than I ever did at any other point in this journey.

But I’m determined to round up those best parts of me and somehow we’re going to figure out how to coexist on this journey of motherhood.

And, If you’ve figured it please let the rest of us know your secret.

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