Every year I do this cute thing where I make a New Year’s resolution and then immediately forget about it until the following year when I make the exact same resolution all over again.
It’s not that I don’t want to go to the gym or stop binge-eating snacks at three o’clock in the morning. It’s just that, well, I’m a busy mom, with a short attention span, and, and, and … I am just chock-full of excuses.
The truth is, like most parents, I am making these adorably optimistic resolutions at 11:55PM on New Year’s Eve when I’m delirious with exhaustion (and slightly buzzed) and hardly even remember making them.
Luckily, the hilarious parents of Twitter are keeping it real, as always, and reminding us that we aren’t the only ones giving up on our resolutions before January is even over.
1. Let’s be honest:
4-year-old: What's a resolution?
Me: It's something you promise to do
4: And then you do it?
Me: No. You forget about it two weeks later.
— James Breakwell, Exploding Unicorn (@XplodingUnicorn) January 3, 2017
2. Some of us just set the bar really, really low:
Pretty psyched to get back in the gym on January 2 for my yearly workout!
— Andrew Knott (@aknott21) December 28, 2016
3. Or at least wait until the last possible second to begin them (Yum!):
live footage of me right up until 11:59pm on New Year’s Eve when I finally get off my chubby bullshit pic.twitter.com/9UVLE1rFOk
— Valerie (@ValeeGrrl) December 31, 2018
4. Kids make it so hard:
UPDATE: My wife's resolution to yell at the kids less this year has just taken a very bad turn.
— Rodney Lacroix (@moooooog35) January 1, 2017
5. Did I say, “Hard”? I meant “Impossible”:
My New Year's resolution was to have more patience but, thanks to my kids, I broke that within 5 minutes of the New Year.
— ?Sarcastic Mommy? (@sarcasticmommy4) January 3, 2017
6. It’s easy to think of resolutions for other people though:
Trying to come up with a New Year's resolution, but so far I can only think of things my kids need to work on.
— the Mom TruthBomb (@momTruthBomb) December 29, 2015
7. Especially for our significant others:
New Year Resolutions
Learn where dishes go in the kitchen
(Thanks to my wife for giving me these)
— Boyd's Backyard™ (@TheBoydP) December 31, 2016
8. But most of us just like our goodies too much to give up on them:
I hearby resolve to….wait, is that the good wine I like? On sale, you say? Yeah, pour me some, will ya? Is there any candy left? Please…
— Housewife of Hell (@HousewifeOfHell) January 1, 2016
9. And being productive just sounds bor-ing:
New Year's Goal: Get my house organized.
Actual accomplishment: Make snacks and teach my kids how to flush a public toilet with their foot.
— Meredith (@PerfectPending) January 4, 2016
10. This just sounds like she’s #WINNING
First week of the New Year is in the books and I've gained 5 pounds so my diet's going well, thanks.
— SammichesPsychMeds (@SamPsychMeds) January 7, 2017
11. So maybe it’s best to stick to realistic goals.
I'm up for any New Year's Eve party as long as it starts at six, ends by eight, and doesn't require real pants.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) December 29, 2017
12. Or just come to terms with the fact that it was NEVER GONNA HAPPEN:
Well, we had a good run.
-me, to my New Year's resolutions
— The 21st Century SAHM (@21stcenturysahm) January 16, 2017
Don’t worry… no one else kept their New Year’s resolutions, either.