When All Else Fails…



The Ponti household is in pretty rough shape this week. Neither of us has felt like venturing into a store and, as a result, we’ve been doing a shitload of improvising. This morning after spilling coffee all over the countertop and floor, I reached for the roll of paper towels that usually sits poolside the sink. Nada. So I opened the drawer that holds our hand towels and dish cloths. Also a big fat nada. On top of not wanting to grocery shop, it appears we’re also foregoing our laundry responsibilities. No food, no clean underwear – two of the biggest sins EVER. My grandmother would have my ass in a sling. Realizing that I was in a bind, I quickly grabbed the two pot holders hanging near the stove. Have you ever tried sopping up a wet mess with a pot holder? They’re like the anti-Christ of absorption. What a mess!

After recovering from that disaster, Caden informed me that we were out of snacks. No snacks means a miserable kid sitting in a cold, dreary classroom all day long starving to death. Yes. Exaggerated. But as a principle, I like my kid not to be hungry. For the record, I offered him a bag of uncooked rice. When he declined, we made the next best thing: a mayonnaise sandwich. Two slices of bread overflowing with creamy goodness. No meat or veggies. We suck.

And to wrap up the we are so ridiculous for letting ourselves get so low on shit week, we also have zero ketchup in the house. Kethcup is the savior. The almighty. Around here, it goes on everything. When there’s no ketchup, there is just plain ole’ macaroni and cheese, naked hot dogs and miserable French fries. I also cannot conceal any cooking mishaps like burnt hamburgers or runny chocolate chip cookies. No, I don’t. Really.

Whoever said “When all else fails…improvise!” is a jackass. Try telling that to the woman who just ran out of tampons. Or maxi pads. Or ice cream when either of the aforementioned are required. Not a good scene.

Have you had to improvise recently? How did it go?



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