Your ‘Who The Hell Knows What’s Happening This Fall’ Back To School Shopping List


While school districts are still trying to figure out what the hell is going to happen in the fall the rest of us are trying to figure out how to get ready no matter what the decisions.


Are we prepping for in-person learning at school? Fully remote learning?

Some weird and overly complicated hybrid schedule that will surely kill that last ounce of my patience?

That remains to be seen.

And although some of the country’s biggest school districts have already announced their plans, many schools have not.

In fact, my kids’ school won’t be announcing plans until mere days before the first “day” of whatever back-to-school will end up looking like.

So, how the hell do I prepare? Well, I’ve made a list of supplies that I *think* will cover every potential plan that our school might announce.

And just in case, this list can double as a survival guide for another lockdown because, let’s face it, just because you’re stuck at home doesn’t mean that life is going to be easy. Quite the opposite in fact.

So, here it is. My ultimate back-to-school supply list. The COVID Edition.

All the same crap you bought last year, but from Amazon. Because there is no way in hell am I going ass to elbow with the other moms on aisle 4 of Target trying to get the $0.99 packs of flipping crayons.

An extra protractor because even though I buy one every year, it seems like the kids never use them but they get lost and end up in weird places in my house like in the couch cushions or behind the fridge.

Skip the stupid eraser caps. Kids chew on those.

Alcohol. Oh, and juice boxes. 

Xanax lollipops I hear that you can get Xanax lollipops now? Definitely get some for the teachers because let’s be real, they need them more than I do at this point. 

Way more paper than I think we’ll need. Why do my kids not know how to doodle on an entire page? Why must they crumple up the paper after like 3 marks and then toss it in the recycling and then bellyache about how they hate homework? What is that!?

Pallets of Snacks. Order pallets of snacks of every variety. Incidentally, does anyone know if we’re getting another stimulus check? I could use some fruit snacks and frozen pizza roll funds right about now. 

Faster Internet. And get extra chargers. Make sure every kid has access to a screen for when fourth-grade math hands me my ass and I need a timeout from everyone and everything.

An Emergency Bitch List – you know, a list of friends you can send super sweary memes to and then unload about how much you hate remote learning and why does wine make us fat and WTF is with 2020 anyway!?

More pajamas. And socks and underwear since we apparently don’t even wear shoes anymore.

Noise cancelling headphones. For everyone. You. The kids. The dog. The neighbors.

But just in case the kids end up back in the school building this fall then make sure to add:

A dozen face masks in a variety of colors. Try really hard to resist drawing inappropriate comments on them like, “6 Feet, mthrfckr” and be prepared to replace the masks a couple of weeks into school because there is no way my kids will actually wear them for a full 6 hours day and they will all get lost.

Disinfectant wipes so that my child can clean his own desk. Except, where do I buy those? They aren’t on store shelves yet…so…I guess dress my kid in a Hazmat suit?

Hazmat Suit

Flame thrower to really kill germs in case you can’t find the Clorox wipes.

Holy water, a quart of lavender essential oil, melatonin, and Bob Ross DVDs for nap time. 

A weighted blanket and a monthly snackish subscription box for my stressed-out ass.


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