Dear Parents –
It has recently been brought to our attention that the selection of parenting classes at General Community Memorial Hospital may be incomplete.
Many of our new and veteran parents have kindly informed us that our Blissful Birth, Breastfeeding Boot Camp, and Baby Care For Dummies courses provide instructions that cover only the first few days of parenthood, and disregard the following 18 years.
We deeply appreciate your feedback, concerns, and creative use of profanity. We now realize that our offerings may leave you confused and clueless about how to actually raise a human being.
Rest assured this is a common feeling shared by virtually all parents who have ever wondered why a hospital would let them leave the building with an actual baby.
In the interest of supporting our patients, we are introducing several new parenting classes.
We hope these will give you the illusion of control and preparedness as your child moves from infant to toddler to school-age, and beyond.
These new parenting classes include:
C1. Who Is Allowed to Be Angry Today?
Do you and your significant other struggle with the crushing day-to-day responsibilities of raising one or more children? Do you regularly argue about whose workload is more demanding or who wanted this life?
Misery is not a competition, it’s a team sport!
Join this panel – hosted by a psychologist, your best friend, someone’s mother-in-law, and your judgey next-door-neighbors – to help determine which partner is at fault, and who gets to be mad about it. Satisfaction not guaranteed; no refunds will be offered for this class.
C2. Vomitous Nooks and Crannies – Sponsored by Clorox.
This parenting class will offer instructions on finding and sanitizing all the hard-to-reach places where regurgitated Goldfish crackers and milk can lurk in your child’s safety seat and/or the back seat, floor, door, and ceiling of your vehicle. Only the nose knows! Please bring a new or gently used toothbrush (preferably not your spouse’s – see class C1).
C3. Finding Your Zen at Sports While Your Child Sits on the Sidelines and Cries.
Because it’s never his turn, this course will demonstrate the fine art of mastering a fake smile and pushing down that rising embarrassment that yours is the kid always making a scene on the field.
Please note this course requires three $20 bills that you will burn during class while watching other participants have fun. Now featuring one-on-one coaching so you can convincingly hiss, “where is that kid’s mother?”
C4. Defining “Fair” – This class has been canceled.
Which we know is not fair, but neither is life – and the sooner you learn that, the better.
C5. Save or Sell: What to Do With Your Kid’s Artwork.
Struggling with the ethical implications of selling that macaroni necklace or tin-foil…something…on Etsy? Join this class to discuss when it’s totally acceptable to pimp your kid as the next Jackson Pollock, and best practices for hiding multiple sheets of construction paper in the kitchen recycling bin.
C6. Mastering Complaints from School
Which four-letter word did your precious son scream today? Did your daughter head-butt a classmate or crawl onto the school roof this time?
Be prepared for that call or email with these helpful lessons on crafting an appropriate apology and listing punishments you will begin but never stick with.
For an extra investment, we will include some reasonably convincing excuses as to why your child acts this way. Please, no partner-blaming (see class C1).
C7. Clothes Bargaining 101
Does your child own a winter coat and long pants, but never wears both at the same time? In this debate-style course, learn essential arguments to lob at your school-aged progeny – including “it is 28 degrees outside, you can’t wear shorts” and “you’ll freeze without a jacket” – plus, how to lose gracefully.
C8. Reentering Polite Society After COVID-19
As you begin to emerge from partial or complete isolation due to the pandemic, you may notice that your children have turned feral. Don’t panic!
This course will help you refresh their young minds on how scheduled meals work, why brushing teeth is even more important now that masks are optional, and reminders that you cannot mute or skip a real live person who is speaking to you.
A stranger will be provided for extra help practicing your apologetic glances.
C9. How to Make and Keep Parent Friends
Designed for parenting in the digital age, this course offers guidance for parents who are desperately seeking contact with other adults.
It will include best practices for saving your child’s friend’s parent’s contact information in your phone when you don’t know their last (or first) names, what to do if you accidentally like a years-old photo on their Instagram, and who should make the crucial first friend request on Facebook.
Join us after class for a bonus discussion on which graphic birth stories and photos are appropriate for mixed company.
C10. Which Streaming Service Pairs Best with Exhaustion?
Are you looking for a show or platform you can fall asleep to on the couch at 9 p.m. on a Friday night? Then this class is for you! Topics discussed will include cost, genre, decibel level, and your partner’s level of disdain for the program or app (see class C1). Pillows not provided.
We hope to see you there!