Ahh, post-kids MARITAL RELATIONS. As elusive as Bigfoot and ten times as sought after, your sex life is one you might only remember fondly while falling asleep on the couch to another episode of Cake Boss.
However, fear not my randy friends! Just because you’ve procreated doesn’t mean your BEDROOM ACTIVITIES need to be chucked in the bin along with your sanity and free time. Getting a little creative is just the thing you need to spice things up- even if you are just a tired old bag of parents.
So Here Are Five Easy Ways To Spice Up Your Sex Life
Leave sexy notes for each other
Make them packed with innuendo, yet vague enough that they wont scar your children if found. I’m talking things like “Get ready, the plumber is coming” or “It’s time to oil the hinges downstairs”. So sexy. Super discreet.
Make sure you stay awake
One of the biggest barriers for a grown up marriage plagued with children, is the curse of falling asleep. If your child’s spirit animal is the asshole rooster (“Hello 6am!”-said no parent ever), trying to stay up past their bedtime in order to exert more energy seems inconceivable. However there are some ways you can pep yourself up, even when it’s rounding 7:30pm.
Caffeine- I don’t need to tell you this one. Caffeine addiction comes standard with every baby purchase.
Apples- Researchers say apples can wake you up naturally. However, apples are a snoozefest. Drink more coffee!
Look for sales. Nothing gets the blood pumping like a good deal. And nothing pairs better with a great discount than some more coffee!
Go on a date somewhere new
We all have that place. You know the one. The place where you go all the time, and end up having the same meal, the same conversation and while comfort is nice, the “same old same old” can get really fucking boring fast.
Try going somewhere new to spice things up. Somewhere your kids haven’t puked or caused a scene! A place that neither of you have been, so you can feel the thrill of trying new things together. Is that freshly ground pepper? Bitch, it might be.
Sometimes it’s nice to play pretend to get in the mood. Forget about the car repairs and field trip forms and who was right about what.How can you acheive this? ROLE PLAY BABY.
Some fun role play characters may include:
Guy who doesn’t leave his towels everywhere
Woman with the bladder control of a 22 year old
Man with unlimited coupons (come and get it baby)
Woman who is well rested and frequently on time
Get a sitter so you can get really freaky
Things are real HOT AND HEAVY now, so make sure your kids are far far away so they can’t bother you with silly things like their physical and emotional needs at business time.
Maybe they can go to Grandma’s? Maybe camp? Maybe the next time a kindly stranger says they are “so cute” she could just “take them home” you can give her a list of important numbers, allergies and a bag of essentials. Whatever you gotta do, just get. them. kids. out.
So there you have it! Some super simple ways to spice up your sex life, even after kids.