Here’s What “Self Care” Looks Like In The Dumpster Fire That Is My Life After Marriage

Now that I’m free of my husband, people know a safe, fun question to ask me instead of, “How are you dealing with the heartbreaking disillusion of your love life?” is to ask me about all the fun things I do with my “free time” when the kids go to their dad’s.

I’m still getting used to the idea that I get a couple nights a week completely to myself, with no one asking me for water or to wipe their butts.

But here’s a day in the life of a recently divorced mom:

Exercise first thing because you haven’t done that for the last two weeks.

Don’t try to talk to me about all your various fitness routines that involve using your children as counterweights. I’m not into it. You go, girrrrrrrrrrrl. Go away from me. 

Enter society.

I’m not going to lie and tell you some exciting lie. I went to the bank, grocery store, and returned some sneakers to Nordstrom Rack. But I went there alone.

Snack.

It’s exactly like Home Alone when Kevin McAlister is sitting there thinking that his parents are going to come back because he’s eating junk food and watching bad TV. Even the food is not that different and is also eaten in front of the trashiest TV I can find. 

Skin care.

A lengthy shower in which nobody comes in screaming. Full body moisturization. Lotioned feet in thick socks. Face mask. Mmmmmm. 

Laundry.

Who are we kidding? This is no vacation! Kids or no, there’s so much laundry!

Fold laundry while dancing to the entire Taylor Swift catalog.

Depression.

Because Taylor Swift has significantly more wisdom than you have and she’s five years younger than you. She knew he was trouble years before you figured it out. She was but a tiny bebe and she said goodbye to that bad blood. 

Taylor Swift is still playing in the background and, as the wise young lady says, you need to calm down. Prescription Klonopin.

Read.

Settle in to read late into the night knowing that you get to sleep in as late as you want.

Fall asleep after two pages because you are on drugs and exhausted due to the stress of your divorce, the world that’s falling apart, and your adorable, beloved children sucking the life from you during their time with you this week.

Wake up at dawn. 

Because that’s when your biological clock tells you it’s time to get up and feed the tiny toddler man who’s not actually home today.

Still get up, though, because it’s not so much your biological clock and undying love for your child as your biological stomach that’s used to being fed this early and your biological bladder that cannot let you lie there uselessly.

Start your day!

Honestly, the incredible productivity of even one day off without kids home is truly something to behold.

But so is the incredible laziness I can succumb to when no one is looking.

You didn’t hear me doing dishes did you? That’s because I let them pile up until the 10 minutes before my ex dropped them back home.

You saw I negated my exercise with a massive snack attack and no meals, right?

I see that. I know, I know. But, you know what, if that’s what my self-care looks like during the dumpster fire that is my life after marriage, so be it!