I came into motherhood with a college degree and years of babysitting experience so I thought I had all the skills I needed to master this whole mom thing. However, motherhood I’ve found requires a whole new skill set. It requires a certain level of superwoman skills. Years into this motherhood thing and I have found that I’ve surprisingly mastered quite a few of these superwoman skills.
I can now inhale my dinner in record speed: Due to the threat of a toddler meltdown, having my meal interrupted due to a dozen trips to the fridge for this and that, the needs and demands of a crying infant, or the need to hurry up for something, I can now eat my food in the hurried pace of someone who hasn’t eaten in days.
I am a fierce negotiator: However, I do not think the government will be calling on me to negotiator with terrorist as I’m weak and consent to negotiating with the little terrors that seem to rule my house. Some nights it’s a bargaining game to get them to finish their dinner or finish cleaning or to stay in bed. Candy and TV time before bed is my go to clutch.
I can now speak another language: I can speak toddler gibberish. I can translate a stream of what sounds like Japanese to coherent English to all of those confused by toddler dialect.
I now have supervision: My youngest daughter is convinced when I put my contacts in every morning and can see what she’s doing through the reflection in the mirror that I have now inserted eyes in the back of my head.
I can sleep in a space no wider than three feet: Because my children love their mommy and daddy cuddles so much, most mornings we find them sandwiched between the two of us. In which case they are laying upside down or horizontal while we sleep as straight in a vertical line as close to the edge of the bed as we can get without falling off. It’s nothing though to see my husband sound asleep with his arm bracing himself against the wall.
I can now use the bathroom with an audience: No phobia or bashfulness here. In high school girls don’t even like the idea of showering with each other. Anymore I feel like I rarely know what it’s like to go to the bathroom without “a toilet paper attendant”.
I am now a certified referee: My three popular referee calls are “Sort it out among yourselves!”, “Both of you to your rooms!”, or “Give it to me and that will solve the problem.
I am now a master thief: I have mastered the art of sneaking the last brownie or stealing my favorite candy out of the kids’ candy jar without their little prying eyes knowing of my theft.
I can sleep with one eye open and ears on full alert: Occasionally for different reasons I may decide to take a “rest” while the kids are playing and I have learned the art of sleeping while awake.
I have learned to never underestimate the sound of silence: As much as peace and quiet is a good thing I have learned as long as my children are awake that kind of silence usually only means trouble.
I have developed superhuman strength: I can carry a baby, a toddler’s hand, three bags, and an armful of toys and clothing left in the car all at the same time. I just have to figure out how to open doors while carrying all of this.
I have mind control (of myself): Miraculously through motherhood I can now handle gushing blood, projectile puke, and explosive diarrhea.
We have all probably established a variety of skills we never knew we would have to have before motherhood. There is no special training we can attend to master these skills. It’s a learn as we go kind of thing.
In reality no we aren’t superwoman and at the end of the day we’re just mothers but that’s better than any superhero, in my opinion.