1. 75% of parenting is repeating “brush your teeth” or “get your shoes on” over and over again.
2. No matter how hard you try, you will never cut the crusts off of your kid’s sandwiches “just the right way.”
3. Whoever invented shoelaces hates parents.
4. You will forever be amazed at what would be considered A WEAPON to your kids. Today it was a french fry.
5. Wet wipes are your new best friend.
6. “Don’t touch that” is the phrase of your life. The toilet, the lamp, their privates… All fair game to kids.
7. Someone will inevitably poop in the tub.
8. Someone will inevitably need a 2nd bath after you discover someone pooped in the tub.
9. Do not be delusional and put your kids to bed late thinking they will sleep in. They will actually be up before daylight to torture you.
10. Everything is always sticky. So sticky. Don’t bother to try to figure out why.
11. Most of the day will be spent screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
12. A TODDLER can leave a path of destruction anywhere with just one cookie. Pretty impressive actually.
13. Ketchup is a necessary food group.
14. The words “I do it” will make you be late for every single thing in your life for the next 5 years.
15. Trips to the restaurant bathroom will be the majority of your dinnertime.
16. Poop will be part of every conversation basically.
17. Someone is always naked. WHY?
18. If you ever want your kids to SLEEP AT NIGHT, do not let them fall asleep in the car after 5 pm. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Open the windows, turn the music up, whatever it takes.
19. Your kids can work your smartphone better than you can but they couldn’t possibly get themselves a glass of water because that’s too hard.
20. The struggle not to laugh when your child throws out an F-bomb is real.
22. 3rd-grade math will make you question your COLLEGE EDUCATION.
23. Kids consume all of their daily water intake 5 minutes before bedtime and then have an endless parade of bathroom visits all night long because they are “just so thirsty.”
24. The world is always ending and everyone needs you when you are either in the bathroom or on the phone. Otherwise, they could care less about you.
25. God made kids cute for a reason. Well played God.
One thing that all parents can probably agree about is that in the end, it is all worth it. When my kids are older I am sure I will miss every sticky finger and naked bum running around my house. I know it feels like I am in the trenches of parenting right now and this time of my life might be a struggle.
It’s a hard job shaping these tiny little humans into responsible adults. There will come a time when my kids will not really need me so much anymore, but this is probably going to be my life for the next 18 years or so. I think I will invest in some good wine or beer to help me through it.
This post originally appeared on Food, Family, and Chaos