It started with Mama Bears. It’s an all-encompassing term – all moms are Mama Bears.
It’s endearing, like a picture book of a cub cuddled up to their mama. It denotes self-sacrifice, like the famous Goldilocks and the Three Bears character, who ends up with the lumpy bed and cold porridge.
And then, of course, there’s the fact that if you mess with a Mama Bear’s baby, she will rip your fucking face off.
Mama Bear was a great, broad, accurate allegory for motherhood.
But then we introduced Tiger Mom to describe mothers who are aggressive and pushy, like stage moms and hockey moms, willing to terrorize anyone in their paths, including their children, to ensure high-achievement for their offspring. Okay, I guess that works?
But why stop there? Why not gather a whole maternal menagerie?
We can open a zoo filled entirely with living, breathing, symbols of motherhood. Here are 9 Types Of Moms We See In The Wild – Which One Are You?
The Koala Mom
Everyone thinks she is so cute and friendly. Soft-spoken, adorable, usually pretty tiny and meek. It’s easy to miss that she has sharp teeth and claws, and will absolutely lose her shit unexpectedly. You think you want her on the PTA, but you really don’t. You won’t find this out until she has overturned the bake sale table and screamed, “I said we already had enough lemon squares, Betty!”
The Alligator Mom
At first glance, she is tough-skinned and cold-blooded. Other moms avoid her and her resting bitch face. In reality, she is tender and protective with her babies, creating a nurturing environment, and carefully teaching them how to succeed. She seems mean, but she is actually really attentive and loving. Don’t let the tough facade scare you away.
The Orangutan Mom
Co-sleeps, babywears til two, breastfeeds til five. We used to call these moms “Crunchy”, but henceforth these connected-to-nature, never puts their baby down, beautiful Mother Earth souls shall be called Orangutan Moms.
The Harp Seal Mom
These moms raise their children under difficult circumstances. They frequently go without for the sake of their children, and protect them from the danger that surrounds them. Their children thrive because of their sacrifices, and grow to realize just how badass their mothers were during their childhoods.
The Giraffe Mom
Good luck getting anything past her, kids, she can see everything you do for miles. She is always on the lookout, and she knows what everyone is the neighbourhood is up to at all times. She might be nosy, but if you are ever in trouble, she will gladly stick her neck out for you.
The Rabbit Mom
She has roughly six-thousand children, but manages to expertly care for all of them while remaining perky and put together. All the other animals at the zoo are confused and impressed by her.
The Shark Mom
This mom is always on the go. She cannot seem to stop moving, no matter what. She is on a mission, she has things to do, and it’s best to just stay out of her way and let her do her thing. She doesn’t have time to hear you try to convince her to slow down and take a break, she needs to get to the gym after her lunch meeting and before after-school activities start up.
The Calico Mom
She is tired of your shit, yes even your shit, Stephanie. She’s a great parent, but with few exceptions, she has no interest in other moms. She just wants to take her kids to the playground, read her book, and not talk to any of these fools. Sure, there are one or two other moms she gets along with, but most of the time, approaching this mom will get her hackles up.
The Golden Retriever Mom
Everyone’s best friend, this mom is approachable, up-beat, and lifts the spirits of anyone around her.
She is loyal to her old friends, and happy to make new ones anywhere she goes. You can count on her to keep her word, whether that means holding up her part in organizing the school fundraiser, or grabbing your kid after school when you’re stuck in traffic.
She makes each person she talks to feel like they are her favourite person in the world. She is so perfect, you want to hate her, but you just can’t.
Tiger Mom, you’re grrrrreat (see what I did there?) but you don’t hold a monopoly on animal moms. There is a whole zoological textbook filled with examples of moms being their best selves.