Dear General Smith,
The playground was abuzz with rumors that you’re looking for a new Chief Executive of Prisoner Interrogation. Having used various intimidation tactics on my family, I am confident that while yes, I’m a toddler, I’m also the perfect candidate for this job.
I understand some people don’t condone tormenting prisoners, while others feel it’s the only way to gain relevant information that could save lives. Luckily, I have a solution that will appease everyone.
“But,” you might say, “you’re only three. You’re A toddler. How could you possibly help?”
Well, General Poopyface, what if I told you that you’ve been conducting your interrogations all wrong? You don’t need to burn a person or hold their head under water or rip off their fingernails to get exactly what you want.
You just need to be a toddler.
Below are some toddler strategies I’ve used successfully. I’m certain we can adapt them to your line of work in order to optimize your results and make your job more efficient.
What I wanted: Grandma’s bag of Werther’s Originals
How I got it: I asked Grandma to explain her recent diagnosis of bursitis, which caused everyone else to flee the room. “Keep going, Grandma. I’ve got all the time in the world. Now pass me a handful of those silky treats.”
What I wanted: Cheez-Its
How I got them: At the supermarket with Mommy, I quietly pointed to the Cheez-Its, knowing I’m not allowed to have anything with preservatives. We locked eyes for a second, then I slowly lowered my body to the floor and clenched my fists. Mommy knew what was coming next. The Cheez-Its were even crunchier than I remembered!
What I wanted: To sleep with Mommy in her bed — alone
How I got it: I climbed into Mommy and Daddy’s bed in the middle of the night and squeezed right in between them. Then I turned my body horizontally and kicked Daddy in the face a few times until he scootched to the edge and dangled one of his legs off the side.
In the morning, Daddy reported that he needed to visit his chiropractor ASAP. Next time he should switch beds with me the first time I ask.
What I wanted: Chocolate cake for breakfast
How I got it: I asked Mommy to make me plain toast, then sent it back because it was too plain. Next, I asked for an egg-white omelet, then decided I don’t like eggs.
Now there’s not enough time before school for me to eat anything besides the chocolate cake. God, I love ganache.
What I wanted: Access to my sister’s makeup
How I got it: I barged into my sister’s room even though she and her friend Carla had already kicked me out five times. Then I asked Carla when she was planning to shave her mustache. My sister’s lip gloss looks great on me!
What I wanted: To watch an inappropriate movie with my big brother
How I got it: I blasted the Caillou title sequence on repeat until everyone in the apartment was screaming at each other and my parents were desperate for “just 10 minutes of peace and quiet.” The movie wasn’t even inappropriate, by the way. But I do need to ask my teacher what a few particular words mean.
What I wanted: A cup of juice in the middle of the night
How I got it: I woke Mommy at 2 a.m. and asked for juice. She said no and went back to sleep. Ten minutes later I peed the bed and woke her again. After she changed my sheets, I told her the tag on my pajamas felt scratchy.
After she cut off the tag, I asked her if spiders have ears. She said we could discuss that in the morning, but I didn’t want to wait. We negotiated for a few minutes before I demanded a cup of juice in exchange for going back to sleep. The juice was very refreshing.
What I wanted: To play with Mommy’s cell phone
How I got it: I went to lunch with Mommy and her friends. I didn’t want to color the stupid kids’ menu so I asked Mommy for her phone. When she said no, I broke all of the crayons and dropped them on the floor. Mommy hit her head on the way down to get them and tore her pants. I proceeded to whine and use my outside voice.
The instant the food came, I “had to pee.” When we got back from the bathroom, Mommy’s friend Michelle was telling a story about some guy named Rob, and right when Michelle was getting to the good part, I told Mommy that I wanted to go see the fish tank. She offered me her phone instead.
Peppa and George’s adventure was much more exciting than boring Michelle’s. WTF is a “tossed salad,” anyway?
So you see, General Fartface, you don’t need to physically hurt people to get what you want.
You just need to be a toddler.
I can provide testimonials and I’m available to start tomorrow. Now I’m off to convince Daddy to buy me the Paw Patrol Lookout Tower. I’ll start by hiding his Propecia!